


A Little Better Every Day

by february_02



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Depression, Eating Disorders, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Obsessive-Compulsive, Schizophrenia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-21
Updated: 2015-01-14
Packaged: 2017-12-20 21:32:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 24,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/892112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/february_02/pseuds/february_02
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zayn never wanted to get better, because he didn't think anything was wrong. When he meets Liam, a boy who just wants to get things right, at Rivergrove, a centre for those experiencing "troubled times" he realises that getting better might not be so bad after all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Second Chance (Thought You Might Not Want it)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zayn packs up to leave, but he's not going where he thought he was.

Zayn has always felt (and perhaps his parents were to blame, all things considered) that he was the worst. No other child in the history of the world had done things worse than he had- from his youngest memory; his parents were disappointed in him, for everything- so when he got old enough to think to rebel, it’s no big thought process, no need to run with the wrong group at the wrong time- the drinking and the smoking and the tattoos comes to him as easily as anything. For a while, it’s just worried and despairing looks, shakes of head and hushed conversations down in the kitchen, stopping as soon as Zayn walks in. However, when his father sees his tattoos, permanent marks that could say I hate my parents for all his father reads into them, it seems to be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. Zayn expects to be thrown out, told to never come back, something dramatic like that, and when his father sends him to his room, he actually begins to pack, taking all the things he’ll need, his smokes and a bottle of vodka and his sketch pad and pencils, throwing in some clothes and his toothbrush for good measure. His mum comes up to his room about an hour later, takes in the packed backpack on his bed and nods.

“I’m glad you’re packed, although most of that will be taken off you.” The alarm bells should’ve started ringing at that point, but Zayn’s too preoccupied in surveying the room, seeing if there’s anything else he’ll need.“Your father will drive you there tonight, and I’ll come visit you next week.”

Zayn looks up at that, turning away from his comic books. “Drive me where?” Zayn says.

  
“Rivergrove. You know, we’ve driven past it a hundred times, surely.” His mother smiles sadly, but Zayn cuts over her to say, “Yeah, but I’ve never been a patient there! Isn’t it for mental people? I’m not mental!”

  
“We know darling, but they offer a program for teens that are having some troubles in their lives, so we’ve booked you into that one.” She plays with a thread on his bedspread, and he goes and sits down next to her.

  
“You guys don’t hate me, do you?” He says, feeling disappointed, for the first time, in himself.

  
“Of course not, love. I know your father and I’ve been a bit hard on you, and perhaps this is our fault. But we want you to get better. We want you to have a chance at a future. You can understand that, can’t you?” She says, and pats his knee. “When you’re better, you can come home. I promise.” Zayn knows that’s probably not true unless they offer tattoo removal, but he doesn’t say anything. They sit in silence for a couple of minutes, before she stands and says “Bring your things down. I think your father wants to get you there tonight.” Zayn stands as well and envelopes his mother in a hug, breathing in the lemon scent she wears.

  
“You’ll be fine before you know it, sweetheart.” She says, and disappears downstairs. Zayn collects his things and makes his way downstairs, where his father is waiting, key in hand. “Come, Zayn.”

Rivergrove is about thirty minutes from the Malik house, and Zayn and his father don’t speak on the way over, Zayn listening to music. When they get there, it feels more real- not just an empty threat to try and make him better. Zayn gets out, grabbing his backpack from the backseat. His father gets out of the car, joining him in looking up at the large building.  
“I’ll say goodbye here Zayn. I hope you’ll take this chance, to get back on the right track.” Zayn is briefly surprised by his father’s hopeful tone, and almost takes back the negative thoughts he’d had on the way over, when his father continues.  
“God knows many others would not as be as privileged. Remember that.” Zayn says “Thanks, dad. ’Bye, dad.” And walks up the steps, not looking back.

In the foyer, a lovely woman by the name of Cheryl greets him, and he introduces himself.  
“Ah, Zayn.” She says. “I’ll take you to your room, and then you can get to know our other guests over dinner.” Zayn quirks at eyebrow at the word choice, and says, “You mean, the patients?”  
“We prefer ‘guests’. We think it gives a more welcoming feel.” Zayn’s about to ask who she means by ‘we’ when she spots his backpack. “We’ll have to make a stop off before we get to your room, I think, so we can just check you haven’t got anything bad in there, okay?” They change direction, and she takes him to a kindly, silver-haired man in scrubs, who introduces himself as “Dr Louis”.

  
“We’ll just take a look in there, shall we?” Louis takes the backpack from Zayn, and promptly takes out the alcohol, the cigarettes and the clothes. “You’ll get everything back once you’re ready to leave, but I doubt you’ll want to see these again, hey?” Louis taps the vodka and the cigarettes, and places the clothes neatly on top. “Here at the Centre, we like our guests to feel comfortable about their attire, so we have a- a uniform, of sorts. We’ll get you into something more comfortable, shall we?” Louis passes him a white t-shirt and blue pyjama like pants, and then directs him to a curtained off area, where Zayn assumes he should change. He slips off his old clothes and slips into the shirt and pants, noticing that the pyjama pants are elasticised, and have no chord, which doesn’t make a lot of sense until he remembers where he is, and smiles wryly. When he has his new outfit on, he sees that his tattoos are now clearly visible, where they’d been hidden under his hoodie before. Louis also notices them when he walks back out, and he frowns. “They’re not drawn on, are they?” He says hopefully, and Zayn shakes his head.

  
“Hmm…” He pauses, and then seems to think it won’t be much of an issue. “You can take him to his room, now, Cheryl. We’ll be seeing you tomorrow, Zayn! I think I’ll put him in with the red group, Cheryl.” She nods, and motions to Zayn. Before he leaves, Louis hands back his sketchpad, which seems to have passed the test. “You’re a good drawer, Zayn.” He says, and waves them goodbye.

  
His room is bland, light blue walls and a white bedspread with a white towel rolled up on the single bed pushed into one corner of the room, next to the door. In the other corner, under a window, the set up is mirrored, though this bed isn’t made. There are two closets in the room, and in his closet are more towels and sets of the white t-shirt and pyjama combo, all cordless, and Cheryl points out the laundry basket. “Your bathroom is down the hall, and you’ll share with four of our other guests. Do you have any questions? We’re all happy to help.” He surveys the room, and shakes his head.

  
“I’ll take you down to dinner now, and introduce you to your bathroom mates, one of whom will be sharing this room with you.” She leads him out of the room, going through a very complex set of directions that he tries to listen and understand, but loses it after a while, and just looks around the place. It’s magnificent, high ceilings and exquisite works of art scattered around the place. Eventually they reach a large set of doors, which open up onto what looks like it had been a large hall once upon a time- now, it has sets of tables and chairs scattered around with people in the same clothes at Zayn sitting and eating. Cheryl leads him over to the food hatch, where a woman whose nametag says “Zoe” makes him a plate of sausages, mashed potato and peas. He accepts it with a smile, and Cheryl again leads him, over to a table with four boys sitting at it.

  
“Boys,” Cheryl announces and they swivel their heads around to meet her eyes. There’s a boy with brown hair who smiles at Cheryl, a blond boy who gives her a lewd wink, and two boys who are wrapped around each other, one with straight, light brown hair and one with dark curly hair. “This is Zayn. He’ll be in your group from now on, and he’ll be sharing a room with you, Niall. Please make him feel welcome.” She smiles at Zayn and sweeps off, possibly to completely disorientate other new patients- guests, Zayn corrects himself in his head. The boy with curly hair is staring at Zayn, and he attempts a smile, which is not returned. They go around the table, and the boys introduce themselves- the boy with light brown hair’s name is Liam, the boy with blond hair is Niall, and Zayn looks over his new roommate, before turning to the two boys left.

  
“I’m Louis,” the boy with light brown hair says, “And this is Harry. We’re in love and when we get out of here we’re going to live together and be happy forever and ever.” Zayn’s a little taken aback, and the boy with curls who Zayn now knows is Harry doesn’t speak, or even smile, only nods and continues to stare at Zayn. He reiterates that his name is Zayn, and they all say “Hi Zayn,” in a creepy, coordinated manner.

  
The five boys sit in silence for a few minutes, Zayn beginning to eat slowly. He’s just got a mouthful of mashed potatoes and peas when Louis says “What’s wrong with you then?”  
Zayn sputters a little on his food, and Liam immediately looks horrified and berates Louis briefly, reminding him of manners. Niall on the other hand just laughs, and Harry continues to stare at him.

  
“I’m sorry Zayn. If you feel comfortable, would you like to share the reason you have decided to be a guest here at River Grove?” Louis says, his voice turning stiff and proper, and Liam nods but Niall just laughs more.

  
“Am I allowed to share? That won’t be-” Zayn tries to remember the word he read on one of the posters in Dr Louis’ room. “Triggering?” Liam shakes his head, and says “Savan says it’s good for us to talk about our problems with others so we can get better together.”

  
“Um-” Zayn is briefly thrown off by the serious, as opposed to mocking way Liam says the words that seem to be brainwashed into them. “Ok? My parents sent me here because I drink and I smoke and I get tattoos and I don’t ask permission? I think the term is ‘off the rails’ although it’s better than other tracks I’ve been on.” Zayn finishes, and then looks around awkwardly. “Do you tell me about your problems now then?” He says and Liam nods.

  
“I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and I used to have a roommate but he never made his bed so I got into a fight with him and now I don’t have a roommate.” The way that Liam says everything nonchalantly will take a little getting used to, but it makes sense- while the other boys plates are left in various states of disarray, Liam’s is scraped clean and the knife and fork are placed neatly in the centre. Liam sees him looking and adds, “If I’m clean and tidy for eighty days then my parents will come back and I’ll get to go home. I was clean for sixty seven but then Louis spilt my toothpaste and I had to start again.” Zayn nods, and hopes that Liam’s parent’s promises are different to his own parent’s because he knows they’re not coming to see him for a while.

  
Niall clears his throat and Zayn turns to him.

  
“The doctors say I have anorexia and bulimia, which means I don’t eat and if I do I just throw it back up again.” Niall’s a little more subdued now, but still smiling, and Zayn’s starting to get a little freaked out by how ok everyone is with their problems at this place. “But I’m getting better because tonight I ate three forkfuls of mashed potato and three forkfuls of peas and I don’t want to throw it up.” Liam congratulates him, and Zayn hesitantly does too, because Niall looks so proud of himself. Louis cuts in in the middle of Zayn’s congratulations and says “I’m Louis and I have schizophrenia but I don’t hear voices which is why the doctors say I talk so much because I have to fill the silence and sometimes I say the wrong things at the wrong times and upset people but Liam is helping me be conscious of it.”

At this point, Liam says “Breathe, Louis,” and Louis sucks in a breath before saying “If I upset you sometimes by remarking upon what you’re here for or something you’re not comfortable with I apologise. And also if I call you the wrong name it’s not my fault and I wish people would go along with it because it’s fun to play pretend!” Zayn nods at this, and thinks in a twisted way that maybe some people aren’t in control as much as Liam or Niall, which makes him feel a little better.

  
Zayn turns to Harry, who is still staring at him, and tentatively says, “Harry?” Harry tears his eyes away from Zayn to look at Louis, who seems to understand and says “Harry doesn’t like talking sometimes which is ok because I love talking. Harry is here supposedly because he wants to kill himself and Liam says he tried to a lot of times but I think that it’s because he’s my soul mate and he’s just pretending so that we can spend time here before I get better or can convince people that I’m better.” Louis says with a grin and Harry slowly nods, and returns to looking at Zayn.

Louis adds, “Also, he’d like to look at your tattoos please, that’s why he’s staring. Harry I told you it’s rude to stare, remember we were on the train and you were staring at that woman with the fake leg and you accidently threw it in the fire because you thought it was a log?” Zayn’s really confused now, and looks to Liam for help, who says “Louis’ favourite TV show is Friends, and he’s seen almost every episode of it-” Louis cuts in with “I have seen every episode Liam, don’t lie to Zayn.”

So Liam amends and says “Louis’ seen every episode and sometimes he forgets that’s not his life and talks about it as if it is.” Zayn’s head is swimming now, and Niall says, “I think Zayn’s about to faint, shall we head up to bed?” Louis looks scandalised, and says “But tonight we’re going to do karaoke! And Harry’s going to sing but his shirt will go see-through in the light and everyone will see his four nipples!” Louis begins to fuss over Harry at this point, fixing his hair and his shirt, and Liam apparently sees this as an escape, so he, Zayn and Niall get up and leave.


	2. Explanations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zayn finds out a little bit more about the boys, and decides to let them in a little, too.

Liam seems very aware of which way he’s going, and leads Zayn up to his room without confusion. He waves goodbye to Niall and Zayn, and heads down to his room. Zayn finds his toothbrush and turns to Niall, asking him if he wants to go brush their teeth together.

“I-” Niall blushes. “It’s silly really, but I have to wait for someone else if I want to go to the bathroom, just… in case, you know? I’m doing really well, though.” The smile is back, and Zayn feels more comforted by it now, not nearly as freaked out.

“Louis normally takes me, and when he figures out there’s no karaoke, he’ll be back up here.” Niall says, and Zayn nods.

“Which way is the bathroom?” Zayn asks and Niall gives him directions that don’t sound too hard to follow, if he’s careful. When he gets to the bathroom, one shower stall is occupied, and Zayn figures it’d be best to at least announce his presence- he’s learnt how to be pretty quiet over the years. He’s just about to call out when from inside the stall, a voice begins to sing. He can tell it’s Liam, and he sounds amazing, singing confidently. When the song finishes, Zayn’s still there, rapt, toothbrush and towel forgotten on the sink. Liam comes out a minute later, towel wrapped around his lower half, and he startles when he realises Zayn is in the bathroom too.

“Oh- hey. How’re you settling in?” Liam asks while moving over to the sink, starting to brush his teeth.

“Fine, thanks. I heard you singing. You’re really good.” Zayn says and Liam pauses, and then continues brushing, before spitting in the sink.

“Just a thing I do, I guess.” He says, and continues to brush his teeth.

“You don’t mind if I have a shower, do you?” Zayn says and Liam shakes his head, spitting in the sink again.

Zayn steps into the shower, kind of glad to have a moment to himself, to wash the day away. He reaches to grab shampoo, when his hands find nothing. 

“Liam?” He calls out, wondering if the other boy is still there. 

“Yeah?” Liam calls back, and Zayn says, “Can I borrow some shampoo? And some conditioner? I don’t have any.” 

“Um- here.” Liam’s hand appears over the top of the shower stall door, passing Zayn two sachets, only containing at the most two washes worth of shampoo and conditioner. 

“You’re going to have to explain a couple of things to me when I get out of the shower, ok?” Zayn says and Liam says, “Ok.” Zayn finishes up in the shower, and walks out in his towel, wanting to keep his pyjamas bottoms dry. 

He brushes his teeth, changes into his pyjamas (which are really what he was wearing before) and makes a half-hearted attempt at combing his fingers through his hair, before turning to Liam.

“Ok, shoot.” And Liam looks around the bathroom before saying “Perhaps we’d best go back to my room. It’s not exactly a nice conversation.”  
Zayn follows Liam back to his room, which is neater than Zayn’s and Zayn hasn’t even slept in his bed yet. With this in mind, he cautiously asks Liam where it’s best to sit, and Liam scans the room before saying “You can be on the other bed. I can always make it after you’ve gone.” Zayn takes a seat, putting his towel at the bottom of the bed. Liam looks at it for a moment before saying, “Do you mind if I…?” Zayn scoots back from the towel and Liam takes it, hanging it on a towel rack in the corner. 

“So what do you need help with?” Liam asks, and Zayn thinks for a minute, before saying, “Two things. One, why does Niall have to have a bathroom buddy? And two, why isn’t there any shampoo? Or mouthwash?”

“Um- ok, well, to answer the first one, when Niall first came here, he was nowhere near as good as he is now, so sometimes after we’d eaten dinner or something, he’d go and… throw it back up again. I don’t think he needs it anymore, but it was just to remind him at the start that we all want him to get better. Louis pretty much took over the job because he can pretend that he’s a superhero, saving Niall, which always seems to cheer him up. The answer to the second one… Well, we had a bit of an incident when Harry was first here. He tried to- um- kill himself again by drinking the mouthwash. Mr Cowell obviously took that away, and thought that big bottles of shampoo and stuff might be too triggering, so now we have the little sachets. I think they’re fun, to be honest. It’s like we’re at a hotel!” Zayn takes a moment to process this, and Liam sits patiently. 

“So Harry isn’t pretending to be here?” Zayn quips, and then realises how insensitive he’s being, but Liam chuckles, and then says, “There’s not many jokes around here. But no, he’s not. Don’t try and tell Louis though, Harry loves him to bits, and I think he’s going to try and get better for his sake.”

“Well, that’s good. Kind of cute, actually.” Zayn adds as an afterthought. “I’d best get back to my room, but I really liked talking to you, Liam.” Zayn takes his towel, and then says “I’ll see you at breakfast, yeah?” Liam nods, and Zayn goes a little way before turning back.  
“How do I get to my room?” He says, with a sheepish smile, and Liam gives him more directions, smiling as he waves him off.

Zayn makes it back fine, knocking on the closed door to his room. When there is no answer, he opens the door quietly just in case Niall is sleeping. Inside, he doesn’t find Niall, sleeping or otherwise, but sitting on his bed is Harry. Zayn is a little taken aback, but goes into the room anyway, hanging up his towel on the towel rack by the door. Zayn goes and sits nervously next to Harry, whose eyes haven’t left him since he entered the room.

“Is there something I can help you with, Harry?” and Harry pulls this face like don’t you know already? And his eyes fall back onto Zayn’s arms.

“Oh right! My tattoos! Of course.” Zayn says, and holds out his arms. “Oh, on second thoughts, I may as well show you the whole lot, huh?” Zayn slips his t-shirt over his head, and Harry looks at him for a moment before getting off the bed, and looking at Zayn significantly. 

“Do you want me to- do you want me to lie back?” He says and Harry nods, so Zayn lays back and tries not to feel like he’s in a medical exam. 

Harry traces carefully over each one, as though reading braille. It feels nice and Zayn lies back and enjoys the feeling- after his terrible experience with his father, it’s nice that someone appreciates his tattoos. Harry is wordless as he traces, and when he finishes, he starts again, but it’s a little different- he knows the path now, and his movements are more fluid, linking each tattoo to each other. When Harry finishes a second time and doesn’t start again, Zayn sits up and pulls his shirt back over his head. Harry looks at him and smiles, and Zayn takes this to mean thanks so he says, “You’re welcome. You can look at them any time you want, you know.” Harry nods at this, and then begins tracing on his own arms- in Zayn’s head, Harry’s tracing patterns he would like, but perhaps Harry’s trying to imprint the feeling of Zayn’s on his own arms. Harry’s still tracing when Niall and Louis appear, back from the bathroom, Zayn guesses. 

“The bathroom was great fun wasn’t it, Niall! Tonight I was Spiderman and Niall and I only made a lucky escape from the Terrible Toilet Monster! Oh! Harry’s tracing his tattoos again, Zayn do you remember when Harry and I went to get tattoos and Harry got a heart on his hip and I was too scared so I only got a blue dot do you remember that?” Zayn does remember it, the episode Louis’ talking about is one of the only Friends episodes he knows- Niall shoots him a look and Zayn just says, “Yeah, Louis, I remember that.”

“Harry and I have to go now because it’s bedtime soon and he always tells me a story but he can only tell it with his hands and Louis- not me Louis but Dr Louis- doesn’t like it when we sleep in the same bed so we have to be very careful.” Louis takes Harry’s hand and pulls him out the door, singing cheerfully down the corridor _New York City has no power, and the milk is getting sour._

“It really is bedtime now.” Niall says, and gets under his covers. Zayn gets up and after a nod from Niall, flicks the light off. He makes his way back to bed, also hopping under the covers. 

“Goodnight, Zayn. See you in the morning!” Even though Niall’s voice is slow with sleep, he still sounds happy.

“Yeah, see you in the morning. Goodnight, Niall.” Zayn says. It’s the first night in a long time when he hasn’t gone to bed with alcohol deep in his veins, smoke trapped in his lungs- in fact, he realises, he didn’t even think of it once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next installment! Hope you're enjoying it so far :)


	3. Get To Know You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We all make mistakes sometimes. It's just about moving past them.

Zayn wishes he could transport back eight hours when he wakes up- he misses his morning cigarette that usually wakes him up enough to do something like sleep through his classes for the day. As many times as he looks at the bedside table next to his bed, his packet of Camels do not appear, instead seeming to stay firmly wherever Dr Louis put them. Niall is also waking up, the alarm on his bedside table waking them both. 

“So, what do we do until it’s bedtime again?” Zayn asks as he stretches. Niall begins to explain.

“Well, we have breakfast, then we have therapy, then it’s activity, then we have lunch, then it’s free time, then it’s dinner, and then it’s activity, and then it’s bedtime.” Niall says, and Zayn replies, “So, when do we get to leave?” Niall laughs for a good thirty seconds, before he realises Zayn is being serious.

“Dude, think about where we are. Unless your parents take you out, or you get better, these four walls and the grounds are your only company.” Niall leaves the room then, presumably to have breakfast, and Zayn hurries after him because he has no idea how to get there.

“We seriously don’t get to leave at all? What is this, prison?” Zayn doesn’t expect the nonchalant way Niall just says “Yeah, kind of.” 

“Oh.” They walk in silence to breakfast, Zayn still thinking it over, and before he knows it, they’re at the hall and he still has no idea how they got there. They walk up to the food hatch, where a woman named Kerrie is serving out fruit salad and muesli. 

She serves Niall a bowl, and he says, “Yum, my favourite,” With no hint of sarcasm, and Kerrie laughs and says, “Oh Niall, everything’s your favourite!”  
She serves out another bowl, and passes it to Zayn, and pauses, saying, “Are you new here, sweetie?” Zayn nods, feeling a little shy, and Niall takes over, saying, “Zayn got here last night, Kerrie. He’s ‘off the rails’” Niall says in a stage whisper, and she looks taken aback, saying “Well, he looks perfectly nice to me.” She smiles and waves the boys off, and they walk over to the table where Liam is already sitting. Zayn hadn’t noticed it before, but each table is a different colour, theirs being red. Zayn remembers back to what Dr Louis said, and asks Niall “What does it mean if I’m in the red group?” 

“Well, we share a bathroom, and you’re rooming with one of us, i.e. me. Plus, we have therapy together.” Niall says. 

“Right, after breakfast but before activity?” Zayn asks, and Niall nods. 

“Hi Liam,” Zayn says, and Liam looks up from where he was polishing his cutlery.

“Hi Zayn. Did you sleep well?” Liam asks, seeming genuine, and Zayn nods.

“First time I’ve slept sober in a while, which means I woke up without a headache and the need to throw up. That’s the worst part, I reckon, after heavy drinking, is the throwing up- you feel so horrible with yourself, so empty-” Zayn is cut off by Niall pushing his chair back and leaving the table, his food untouched. He feels a wave of guilt wash over himself when he realises what he said, and looks at Liam for guidance.

“I honest to god forgot. I’m such an idiot. Is there anything I can do?” Zayn says, and Liam shook his head. “He probably just needs some time alone. It wasn’t you; it can just be a bit triggering. I’d probably best go check on him, though.” Liam said, and left the table, following the path Niall took. Zayn tries to eat a bit of muesli, but that only makes him want to throw up, which he fails to appreciate the irony in. After a couple of minutes, Louis shows up, leading Harry along behind him. 

“We saw you sitting here with three bowls of food so we didn’t bother to go and get ours. Where are Niall and Liam?” Louis asked, sitting down at Liam’s vacated space, pulling Harry down with him. 

“I upset Niall, I think. I accidentally talked about throwing up.” Zayn says, and Harry is back to staring at him again, but it seems a little harsher now.

“That’s nothing.” Louis says through a mouthful of food. “On my first day here, Niall said he felt sick and I told him to- wait for it- stop eating or go throw up and then I asked Liam about why he was polishing silverware, when he was just going to eat with it.” Harry shoots Louis a look and Louis says “Oh yeah, and I spilt chicken down both of their shirts, which wasn’t good for either of them. They’ll be fine, promise.” Zayn nods uncertainly, and has a little bit more of his food, trying to settle the uneasiness in his stomach. Harry eats little bits when Louis offers him, but mostly leaves his own food untouched. If Louis hadn’t been there, Zayn’s pretty sure the table would’ve stayed silent until it was time for therapy, but he chatters away, telling a story about one of his younger sisters. A bell rings a little after they’ve finished their food, and Louis stands, still holding Harry’s hand.

“We’ve got therapy now Zayn, I’m not sure if you know, and you probably don’t know where it is, but Harry and I know so Harry and I will show you ok?” They break hands, and Louis takes one of Zayn’s and Harry takes the other, offering a small smile.

Louis skips all the way there, humming a tune under his breath, and Harry stays silent as always, but at least he’s not still looking at Zayn as if he’s a fascinating specimen he’d like to dissect.

They arrive at a large room with six chairs in a circle in the centre. The room itself is light blue like Zayn’s new bedroom, but there clouds sponge-painted onto the walls and ceiling, and Zayn feels oddly calm here. Liam and Niall are already sitting in the circle with a tan-skinned man who gets up when he hears Harry, Louis and Zayn enter.

He walks over to the three and introduces himself as “Savan”, and Zayn goes to shake his hand, but it’s still attached to Louis’ so he just nods. They go and join the circle, and Zayn ends up sitting across from Niall. He expects a dirty look from Niall, or at least him avoiding Zayn’s gaze, but he meets it and gives a watery smile.

“Hello boys, and welcome to Zayn, for his first session! Now, before I heard Zayn was coming, I had something else planned, but if it’s ok with everyone, I think we should get to know our newest guest, what do you think?” The others boys nod, and turn to Zayn expectantly.

“Um- what am I supposed to say?” He asks Savan, and with a sagely voice he replies, “Anything you want. Feel free to use this space to say anything- this is an open and respectful space, isn’t it, boys?” they all nod, and Zayn briefly tries to pick at a thread on his pants, but there isn’t one, and even if there was, he’s still holding Louis and Harry’s hands. He suddenly wishes for his old jeans back, the torn ones that looked good with any of his ratty t-shirts or hoodies or his leather jacket.

“Ok- I’m Zayn, and as I told you all last night, I was sent here because my parents don’t like my tattoos or my smoking or my drinking, and they wish I’d do something different with my life, i.e. none of those things.” Savan nods, and then asks, “Do you have a favourite tattoo?” Zayn is a little taken aback, expecting something much more psychiatrist like, but pauses to think for moment. Harry lets go of his hand to push at the collar of Zayn’s white shirt, which reveals the Urdu writing he has there.

“How did you-” Zayn says and Harry just smiles and begins to trace his tattoos, just like the night before. Zayn lifts his hand to pull down the collar of his shirt to show the group, but finds a little trouble with his hand still being connected to Louis’.

“Louis, let him go, love.” Savan says, but Zayn surprises himself by saying “Uh- no, no, I don’t mind.” He moves up to the collar of his shirt again, Louis’ arm coming more freely, and shows the tattoo to the rest of the group.  
“I got this tattoo, uh- after I had a fight with someone I was-” Zayn pauses for a moment, cautious of how much to share. “It means ‘be true to who you are,’ because- well, it’s kind of self explanatory, really.” The group seems pleased by this, and Savan says, “I bet the rest of your tattoos tell a story just like that one, Zayn. Does anyone have any questions for Zayn about his tattoos?” Louis’ hand shoots up, and Savan calls on him. “Harry wants to know if it hurt to get the tattoos?” Zayn looks at Harry where he hasn’t stopped tracing Zayn’s arm, and says “It hurts a bit, but if it means something to you, then I guess the pain makes it worth it.” Harry looks up at Louis at this point, and Louis studies his face before saying “Harry, you can’t get that tattooed, that’s silly.” Savan says gently “Louis, remember what we talked about?” Louis looks blank for a moment, and Savan says “About how not all of us can understand Harry as well you can? Do you think he’d want to share it with the group?” Louis blushes at this, and looks at Harry, who nods enthusiastically. 

“Harry wants to get a tattoo of my writing.” Louis says, and Liam ‘awww’s’ from his seat across the circle.

“Well, this has been a great session guys, but of course, we still have our challenge! Does anyone want to volunteer?” No hands go up, and Zayn looks around in confusion. “Zayn, of course you don’t know! Silly me! Each day, we have a little challenge for one of our members, which help them get better. I’ll leave you out for today, and maybe Niall too- Liam? I don’t think you’ve gone in a while.” Liam looks a little flustered, but nods.

“Now, Liam, you were going to brush your teeth after this session, weren’t you?” Savan says and Liam nods, hesitantly.

“Now, I just want to try something, and you can tell me if you’re not ready, because that’s absolutely ok, too.” Savan says, but Liam shakes his head and says, “I think I can do it.” 

“Alright! Everyone, to the bathroom!” Savan says, and they all follow him to the bathroom. Zayn purposefully breaks out of the hold between Harry and Louis to stay back with Niall. 

“I hope we’re ok.” Zayn says and Niall smiles a genuine smile at him this time.  
“We totally are.” Niall says, and chuckles. “Did Louis tell you about his first day?” Zayn then chuckles as well. “Bit hard to beat that, huh?” and Zayn has to agree there. “Everyone relapses, Zayn, as you’ll find out. Luckily, Liam was there to stop me doing something I’d regret. It’s in the past, now.” Niall says, and Zayn says “I- I want to be there for you sometimes as well, if that’s ok? I mean, if we’re going to be roomies and all.” Niall nods and says, “I’d like that.”

They’ve reached the bathroom by this point, and Liam is standing by the sink, toothbrush and toothpaste in hand.

“Now Liam, I’d like you to tell the group how many times you brushed your teeth last night.” Liam looks ashamed and says “Four.”

“And how long was each time, Liam?” Savan coaxes, and Liam says “Five minutes.”

“And finally, how many times were you going to brush your teeth for this morning?” Savan says, and Liam says, barely above a whisper “Four.”

“Now, Liam, I reckon we can try for three times, hey? Four minutes each?” By Zayn’s calculations, that’s eight minutes less than what he did last night, which he whispers to Niall.

“He can do it.” Niall whispers back. “He wants to get better.”

Zayn watches as Liam spreads the toothpaste on, and brushes for a solid four minutes, Savan counting down on his watch. Halfway through the second brushing, Louis makes up a cheer, which only consists of “Go Team! Go Li’m!” somehow making Liam rhyme with team. When Liam gets to the final two minutes of his third brush, Zayn joins in the cheer, nudging Niall until he does too. They count down from ten, and at zero (blast off rocket ship! From Louis) Liam puts the toothbrush down calmly, and they all clamour around him, cheering. Somewhere in the midst of cheering for a boy he barely knows, Zayn realises what he’d doing- wonders how his life turned into this so quickly- turned completely upside down. Savan breaks them up eventually, and reminds them they have activity next, which Zayn is still anxious to find out about. For the moment though, he thinks he’s ok with life how it is, though he’d kill for a cigarette.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not claim to know anything about the backstory of Zayn's tattoo apart from what he tweeted- all a figment of my imagination! :)


	4. It's Just The Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liam just wants Zayn to get better, so Harry offers a helping hand.

They follow another set of crazy directions, up one flight of stairs and down another, until they end up at another large hall, where there are a selection of instruments, board games and a large, beautiful bookcase, stuffed full of books of different sizes and shapes. In addition to the obvious activities, there’s a large space cleared, and Zayn follows the four boys over there, where the other guests are gathered. 

“So this is activity?” Zayn asks, and Louis nods.

“One time we threw a ball for ages, and then Liam dropped it because Liam is a dropper! Nobody trust Liam!” Louis says, as a smiling woman wearing a flowery dress and a blue apron walks in. 

“Hi guys!” She says, and Liam leans over and says, “That’s Madge, she’s the activities coordinator. She’s great fun.” Zayn nods his thanks and continues listening to Madge.

“Today we’re playing parachute! Is everyone excited?” The guests all make a cheering noise, apart from Harry, staying silent as ever, and Zayn, who’s interested to find out a little more about the activity itself. Madge brings out a large multi-coloured sheet shaped like a circle, and the guests all gather round, taking a little piece in their hands. Zayn joins in, moving in between Louis and Niall, and grabs a piece. 

“Now, since we have a new guest here with us, does everybody mind if we give him a turn?” There is a chorus of ‘no’s and Madge turns to Zayn.

“Now, Zayn, the way this works is we’d like you to come under the parachute, and lie down. Make yourself comfortable.” The other guests hold the parachute up a little higher so that Zayn can slide under, and he lies down in the middle.

“The purpose of this is a relaxation exercise, Zayn. For a few minutes, we’re going to move the parachute, and we’d just like you to lie there, eyes open and match your breathing to the movement of the parachute,” Madge says in a slightly louder voice, “Can you do that?” Zayn nods before realising he’s covered in a multi-coloured sheet and says “Yeah, probably,” Madge doesn’t seem to think this is an appropriate answer, however, and asks him again “Can you do that?” Zayn gets the message and says, in a loud, clear voice “Yes!” He hears Louis and other voices he doesn’t recognise cheer for him, and then Madge counts down from 3. The parachute begins to move, matching Zayn’s current breathing, but begins to move slower after a little while. Zayn works to slow his breath with the parachute, until he begins to feel truly relaxed, and his eyelids droop. When he’s almost asleep, the parachute stops, and it pulled away. Madge comes over to him where he’s still lying on his back, and he moves to sit up.

“You can stay lying down, Zayn. I’ve just got a question for you.” Zayn nods, and Madge continues. “Would you like a cigarette?” From her apron she pulls Zayn’s slightly crumpled pack of Camels, and he immediately reaches for one. She makes a disappointed noise, and tucks them away.

“We’re going to try and break your addiction, Zayn. So I’m going to ask you again, and you’ve got to think really hard, ok?” 

Again, she pulls the cigarettes back out, and says “Would you like a cigarette, Zayn?” More than anything Zayn wants to stay, because there’s an itch in his throat that’s usually a warning sign he’s gone far too long without a cigarette. He wants to grab the packet and run outside, chain smoke each one- and as he thinks he might just do that, he catches the eye of Niall. Niall, who he’s already upset and he’s not even been here 24 hours. Niall, the boy strong enough not to throw up, even though Zayn made it that much harder. Zayn looks back at the cigarettes, and then at Madge’s face, a small smile there.

“No.” He says, and the room breaks into cheers, Liam, Niall, Louis and Harry coming over and hugging him where he’s still lying on the ground.

From where he’s pressed against Zayn’s side, Liam murmurs, “You want to get better too!” with a happy smile, and Zayn thinks to himself Maybe I do.

 

Lunch is burritos, and Louis and Niall discuss the merits of various comic book superheros. They’re locked in a particularly heated debate when Liam looks across at him and says, “Do you want to go for a walk?”

Harry has been happily eating his burrito up until that point, ankle tucked around Louis’, but at Liam’s suggestion, Harry gets up too. Louis notices, and they share a glance before Louis turns back to Niall, and pointedly says, “Catwoman would not beat Supergirl, not matter what!”

Liam leads the way out of the hall waving at Dr Louis who nods back at him. They go out through a different door than they entered and after turning a corner, Zayn finds himself out on the grounds of the building. The grounds, just like the inside of the building are beautiful, and very well kept, manicured lawns and nicely clipped trees. Liam leads them down a stone path to a secluded set of stone chairs, and they take a seat, Harry falling in beside Zayn. Harry meets his eyes, and Zayn makes a guess, sticking his arm out for Harry. Harry doesn’t take it, to Zayn’s surprise, but instead holds out his own arm. 

“You want me to…? I’m lost, sorry Harry.” Zayn pulls an apologetic face, but Liam says softly “I think he wants you to trace his arms.” Harry nods at this, and holds out his arm again. Zayn takes it, pushing up the sleeve of the blue jumper he was wearing. On the underside of Harry’s forearm are large scars, and Zayn sucks in a breath at the puckered skin there. Harry begins to pull his arm back, but Zayn tightens his grip on Harry’s wrist, and traces a pattern around the scars, in his head imagining a needle, making the marks permanent on Harry’s pale skin. He moves up onto Harry’s hand eventually, more just stroking the skin there, and Liam says, in the same tone as before “Do you like drawing, Zayn?” Zayn nods, and thinks back to the sketchbook in his room, sitting at the bottom of his closet. “I love it, to be honest. I did most of these patterns myself.” He says, gesturing to his tattooed arm.

“You’re really good.” Zayn blushes a little at this, and says, “Maybe sometime I can show you some of my own stuff?” Liam nods, and says, “That’d be great.” Zayn realises he’s just offered to show someone else what has become a very private sketchbook for him, and he’s a little taken aback at his offer. Something about this place is peeling him open like a banana. 

“How long has everyone been here, Liam?” Zayn asks, going back to tracing Harry’s forearm. 

“What, everyone in the world?” Zayn’s about to patiently explain that he means the guests here at Rivergrove, but when he looks up, Liam’s smiling.

“You made a joke.” Zayn’s surprised, and Liam comments on it. “Just didn’t think you were the joking type, is all.” Zayn amends, and then says “The guests here. Well, really, just the red group.”

“Well, I came here 643 days ago. Louis was next; he came here 309 days ago. Niall was third, and he came here 178 days ago, and finally Harry came here 119 days ago.” Liam says, and Zayn says, “So you came here almost two years ago?”

Liam nods and says “That’s when my parents took me here, yeah.” Liam seems to spot something over a hedge that Zayn can’t see, but he stands and says, “I’d best go back. You can stay out here, though, till the bell rings again. That’s when dinner is.” Zayn nods his understanding, and Liam walks briskly off, back up towards the building. No sooner have the doors closed after Liam’s exit back into the building, but Harry stands up and pulls Zayn with him, even further away from the building. They end up going so far that Zayn’s a little worried they’ve gone out of the grounds, which Niall seemed to suggest wasn’t ok, and he voices this to Harry. “I just would rather follow the rules on my first day, is all.” He says, and Harry turns back to shoot him a look that seems to say as if I would do that to you so Zayn stays quiet, following Harry. They end up at a fence, which says to Zayn that they must be at the boundary of the property, and Harry sits down, nose almost pressed against the fence. When Zayn stops worrying about getting in trouble, he looks past the high fence, to see a beautiful lake stretching in front of them. The fence bars their access, but Harry seems happy to look, lying down on his stomach on resting his head on his folded arms. Zayn copies his stance, and turns to Harry.

“Thanks for trusting me enough to show me this, Harry, it’s a really beautiful-” Zayn stops when Harry lifts a finger to his lip with a smile. Zayn quickly gets the message and shuts up, turning back to face the water. 

In the time they spend there, Zayn reflects upon the past 24 hours- from thinking he was kicked out, to moving indefinitely to Rivergrove, to meeting these four other boys, with problems much bigger than his own, to upsetting the balance, to trying to get a little better within himself- then he reflects upon his ‘off the rails’ life- how he hasn’t stopped for a long time, just wanting the next big thrill with smoking and drinking and tattoos and people- faces blurred in his mind. It feels nice, if a little scary to just sit, or lie, as it may be and just look at something- he’s probably thinking too hard, he supposes, and turns back to just staring at the lake. He watches a family of swans come, two parents and three little- he’s forgotten the word for a baby swan, and he’s sure he knew it once upon a time, but maybe the lack of brain use lately has made it obsolete- perhaps there’s not even a word for a baby swan. He comes back to reality to see Harry looking at him, his finger again held to his lips. “I didn’t say anything!” He says, a little frustrated, but Harry just taps his head, and then turns back to the water. Zayn really is thinking too hard, and resolves to just watch. When the bell rings faintly, it takes him a moment to realise his surroundings, realise what a bell means here, as opposed to school, and sits up. Harry stands up, and offers him a hand up. Zayn takes it, and when Harry keeps walking without dropping Zayn’s hand, Zayn continues this, holding Harry’s hand during the walk back up to the building.


	5. Secrets Told, Secrets Shared

When they arrive back, dinner is being served, and this time it’s pumpkin soup, which is nice after he got a little chilly, being out by the lake without a jumper like Harry. He and Harry take their bowls back over to the red table, where Louis, Niall and Liam are sitting. Louis looks a little flustered when Harry sits down next to him, and fusses over him, brushing little bits of grass off his jumper and out of his hair.

“Oh Harry, I was so worried you know, I thought you’d moved out one piece of furniture at a time and the stereo was still at the shop, but you’re back and you’re not to move again.” Louis seems a little more settled after doing this, and returns to his soup. 

After they’re all finished (or their version of finished, which is when Niall has eaten his set amount and Louis has created a design on the table in pumpkin soup) Zayn says “Is it bedtime now?” and Liam shakes his head, saying, “We still have activity. But if you’re feeling tired, we could always… settle you in?” To Zayn’s ears, this sounds vaguely ominous, but the three other boys brighten considerably, and so Zayn hesitantly nods.

Liam takes the four of them over to Dr Louis, and explains in hushed tones that Zayn is finding it all a little much, and that they’d best settle him into bed. Zayn, for his part, tries to look scared and also a little unwell, and Dr Louis nods proudly at Liam. 

“Excellent idea, Liam. You are a very thoughtful boy.” Liam beams at this, and then hurries the four boys out of there, lest Louis’ giggling give them away. They make their way up to Zayn and Niall’s room, and move the bedside tables so they can push the two beds together, making one large bed they can all fit on. Zayn feels a little like he’s at a sleepover in primary school, although there’s no x-box or junk food- but the five of them crowded into one space feels oddly familiar.  
“Can we play favourites?” Louis asks eagerly, and Liam replies, “Does anyone have a category they’d like to suggest?” Zayn sits up, and says, “What are we playing?”

“Oh gosh Zayn, it feels like you fit in so well that I forget you’ve not always been here. We go around the circle, with a category, and each say what our favourite thing is in that category. If we went round and the category was superhero, I would say Batman, and so on and so forth.” Zayn nods his understanding, and then Niall says tentatively “How about favourite memory? You start us off, Liam.”

Liam looks up at the ceiling and creases his features, before saying, “My favourite memory is- when I was five, my parents got me a woody doll, and he was my favourite present ever. I took him everywhere with me- he was so great.” Liam finishes with a smile. “Louis?” Liam says this cautiously, and Zayn is worried for a moment- his heart speeding up when Louis opens his mouth to speak. 

“My favourite memory is one that I know is-” Louis pauses, and it seems unnatural- his gaze is no longer slightly off-centre, and his voice is steady, “it’s one that I know is real. When I was 8 me, my mum and my sisters went to the beach, and I didn’t get lost or say anything wrong and we all got an ice cream at the end. That’s my favourite memory.” Zayn lets out the breath he’d been holding, and all eyes turn to him. “Do you want to go next, Zayn?” Louis asks, and Zayn nods. 

“My favourite memory is from year 8, because I won an art prize for one of my drawings and my dad said he was proud of me.” Zayn feels a sting at the corners of his eyes and a lump start to form in his throat, and becomes momentarily confused- these two things are usually reactions to being around smoke too long and gulping hard liquor down too quickly, neither of which he has been doing- but a little too late, he realises that for normal people, this usually means they’re about to cry. He swallows thickly, and again tries to fiddle with a non-existent thread on his blanket- cursing the fact his jeans are locked up in Dr Louis’ office.  
“Someone else should probably go now.” Zayn says hoarsely, and Niall pats his knee. “It’s alright to cry, Zayn. We’d all be a bit hypocritical if we judged you.”  
“S’not that, I just- can’t remember the last time I did, is all.” Zayn says quietly, and the four boys crowd in a little closer, patting Zayn’s shoulders and knees. 

“Somebody else should go though- it’d make me feel better.” Zayn says, and attempts a smile. Niall nods, and says, “When I was 8 my parents took me to see a football game. After the game, Dad took me down onto the pitch and he got my favourite footballer to sign my jersey, which was the best part of the whole day.” Zayn smiles bigger at this, and Niall says, “That’s better. No use hiding your smile!” Everyone turns to Harry at this point, who isn’t look at anyone else.  
“Harry is still waiting for his favourite memory to happen.” Louis says softly, and they all nod, understanding.

“We’d probably best get ready for bed.” Niall says, and they get up, Liam, Louis and Harry leaving to get their bathroom gear.

Zayn and Niall grab their gear, and head to the bathroom, where Liam is in the shower, singing again. Zayn watches as Niall’s face lights up, and he turns to Zayn, putting a finger to his lips. Zayn nods, remembering back to the last time, and he and Niall brush their teeth quietly at the sink, while waiting for Liam to finish. He doesn’t startle when he comes out of the shower this time, only smiling at them and saying, “You’re not as quiet as you think you are.” Louis bounds in at this point, Harry’s hand clasped tightly in his. “We’re not having another bathroom party are we? Because one of you will have to get in the bath, and somebody else has to be pregnant, and the baby’s a girl! We just found out!” Louis says, and moves over to the cabinet, grabbing shampoo and conditioner sachets for Harry and himself. They head over to the showers and Zayn and Niall copy them, while Liam moves to the sink with his toothbrush. 

Once Zayn is out of the shower, Liam is sitting down on the bench against one wall underneath the towel racks. 

“You’re not brushing your teeth?” Zayn pertly asserts, and Liam shakes his head. “I did a couple before my shower, but only one after. It was only eighteen minutes this time.” Zayn pats Liam on the shoulder in congratulations at this. They sit and wait, listening to Louis and Niall belt out It Wasn’t Me by Shaggy, and when Zayn realises he can’t hear Harry, he realises he has yet another question for Liam. 

“Harry really doesn’t speak, does he?” He asks quietly, and Liam shakes his head. “I’ve never heard him, that’s for sure. Neither has Niall. Louis- Louis definitely understands him much better than us, as you’ve seen, but I don’t think he speaks to him either.” Zayn nods, and the three other boys come out of the shower not much later, Louis and Niall doing a complex handshake while still humming the melody from their song. Harry dries off and brushes his teeth, followed by the other boys. They leave the bathroom as one, but eventually peel off, first Harry and Louis, then Liam until just Niall and Zayn are walking back to their room.   
“How’re you feeling?” Niall asks as he settles onto his bed, and Zayn takes a moment to phrase his answer, before saying “Tired. But content. Can I ask you about some stuff?” Niall murmurs his assent, and Zayn tries to order the questions in his head, mirroring Niall’s position. 

“Are Louis and Harry like properly a couple?” He asks first, and Niall chuckles before saying “What you have to remember, Zayn, is that things are different here. It’s like a different universe. By our standards, they’re practically married. They definitely have the strongest bond in this place. But by ‘normal people’ standards, they’re probably not. They’ve never kissed, is one thing, even though they share a room.” At this, Zayn poses another question that he’s been stuck on. “How come they’re still allowed to share a room? Louis said that thing about Dr Louis getting mad when they sleep in the same bed.” Niall considers this, and then says, “I think they’re good for each other, they balance each other out. They love each other, you can just tell. What else?” Zayn nods and draws his knees up to his chest, thinking. 

“When was the last time Liam’s parents came to see him?” Liam’s offhanded statement from the day before has plagued Zayn’s brain, and he’s not sure what to think about it.

“Never.” Niall says bluntly, and then reconsiders. “Well, not since I’ve been here. But I don’t think they have.” Zayn opens his mouth again but Niall cuts across him and says “and no, I don’t think they will. Liam’s fine with most stuff, but I’m pretty sure his thing about his parents isn’t true. All I know is something pretty messed up has to be going on to not come and see a kid like Liam.” Zayn feels a pang of sadness at this, remembering Liam’s face when he talked about his parents dropping him off, but tries to focus on his next question, one he’s not sure Niall will want to answer.

“After this morning, I’ve been wondering- do people relapse often?” Niall doesn’t meet Zayn’s eyes when he says “Uh- yeah. Kind of.” Zayn is prepared to leave it at that- to say goodnight and turn the light off, but Niall continues to speak, in a more subdued tone than Zayn has heard him use.

“Everyone’s first day is probably the worst- by the Rivergrove standards, you’re barely on the radar. I don’t know about Liam and Louis, because it’s not really a common lunchtime topic, but mine was horrific. I was so weak I was pretty much comatose. After a couple of days, they’d been feeding me quite a lot- well, more than I was used to, and I made the mistake of looking in the mirror- I spent the whole day trying to throw up, and just crying- I couldn’t have stopped if I’d wanted to. Liam sat with me through that, you know. I guess that explains my reaction earlier on, about his parents. Being the way he is, he’s of course disgusted by vomit, and unclean toilets, and he sat with me for nearly the whole day- I barely knew him and he was willing to do that. I’ve never seen Liam relapse, but really early on in my time here, the staff couldn’t find Louis for ages- almost a whole day and night spent searching and searching- they found him in the end, sitting in the attic with one of the old television sets plugged in, static on the screen- Liam told me that his voice was almost gone when they found him, because he’d been talking non-stop, just talking to the static.” Zayn nods at this, and then says “And Harry?” Niall smiles sadly at this, and says, “You’ll have to ask him.” Zayn laughs at this, and says, “Liam says none of you have heard him speak?” Niall shakes his head and says, “I have, but that would be telling the story, and it’s probably not good to be spreading it around. Anything else? I’m kind of tired.” Niall says, and yawns.

“Oh, yeah, of course you are. Me too.” Zayn gets up and turns the light out returning to his bed. They say goodnight, and Zayn stares out into the darkness for a few minutes, but he still has one more question.

“We’ll get better, right Niall?” Zayn assumes that Niall has dropped off to sleep, but when he looks over in the darkness, he can see that Niall’s eyes are still open, and he is very much awake. Something begins to stir in his stomach- the familiar feeling of disappointment, that another person in this world has given up.


	6. In Reflection

Zayn wakes up the next morning not because Niall’s alarm clock, but someone knocking on the door. It feels like he hasn’t slept- the image of Niall’s profile in the darkness, staring up at the ceiling still floats in his mind, and the feeling of disappointment is still nestled in the pit of his stomach.

He gets up and goes to the door, opening it to find Liam, with a slightly worried expression and one arm tucked behind his back.

“Niall said you were slept through his alarm, and when you didn’t come down for breakfast, we got a little worried. We’ve got therapy now.” Zayn’s stomach rumbles and he asks, “So I missed breakfast?” 

“Yeah,” Liam pulls his arm around, and he’s holding an apple and some toast. “I saved you some.” Liam carefully hands the food to Zayn, and then says, “You don’t mind if we stop at the bathroom first, do you? I’d just like to wash my hands.” Zayn shakes his head, and they stop there before proceeding to the therapy room. The room is just as welcoming as the day before, and Savan and the three other boys are already there, talking quietly amongst themselves. They look up when Zayn and Liam enter, and Savan says, “Hey, sleepyhead. See you decided to join us after all?” with a smile. Zayn nods and takes a seat, quietly eating his breakfast.

“Today I’ve got a craft activity planned for us, guys! Take a piece of paper, and a pen.” Savan hands round the paper and the pens, and sits back down.

“I thought that we’d focus on happiness, today, which is why I’ve brought the card down. On one side, I’d like you to write, or draw a place that makes you happy. On the other, I’d like to you name, or draw, a person who makes you happy. Do you reckon we can do that?” Savan asks, and they voice their agreement, Zayn mumbling through the remains of the breakfast Liam brought him. 

“You can start now.” Zayn uncaps his pen, and thinks about what he’ll draw- he remembers the game with the boys from the night before, and decides to draw his art room at his school- he sketches the paint splattered floor and tables, and in the corner draws his art teacher, Mrs Fry, smiling and looking happy. He gets a bit stuck for the person- he could just put Mrs Fry in again, but he’s sure there’s someone he’s forgetting.

“Savan, does the person still have to be alive?” Louis asks, and Savan says “No, that’s ok. It's just about the feeling they create.” At this, Zayn stumbles upon the answer- he draws a smiling boy on the other side of his page, and writes Ben above it. He places the paper in his lap, and looks around to find that everyone is finished. 

“Ok, now this next bit might be a little bit harder, but I think you can do it. Does anyone want to share their piece of paper with us?” Savan looks around the circle, and Zayn tentatively raises his hand. 

“Excellent, Zayn. We’d all love to hear from you.” Zayn nods, and then holds up his paper, the boys craning their heads to get a look. “On this side,” He explains, “Is the place that makes me feel happy, and it’s the art room at my school. I think the paint splatters all over the place are my favourite thing.” He flips the paper over, and presents the boy. “I drew my old friend, Ben. Uh, the reason I chose him is because he was so happy all the time- I guess it probably rubbed off on me when I was around him.” Zayn finishes the explanation, and Savan asked him to pass the paper around, which he did. He watched as each boy took their time, looking at the little drawings, until the paper returned to him.

“Does anyone else want to go?” Harry raises his hand, and Savan nods to him. Harry holds up his piece of paper, which in large letters says Bungalow. When the boys all nod, he turns it over, and the large letters say Louis. Louis blushes deeply and pulls his knees up to his chest, hiding his face in the gap. 

“Boys, something very rare has happened here, and I’d like to take a moment to talk about it. Something that happens in this place is that we can be so concentrated on our own miseries, we forget that each and every thing we do has an impact on those around us. It is a very scary thing to be someone else’s reason for happiness, but it is also a honourable position. You’re a very special person, Louis.” Louis peeks his head out at this, and in a very fast movement untucks himself and pounces on Harry, tackling him into a hug. Louis buries his face into Harry’s neck, and Harry does the same. They stay like that for several moments, and both come away wiping their eyes.

“Would anyone else like to share?” Savan asks, and Niall shakes his head, and then nods.

“Yes or no, Niall?” Savan says with a smile, and Niall says “Uh- yes. Only my person though.” Savan nods and Niall continues, saying, “Mine is my brother. He was the one who told my parents about my- problem, and even though I was really mad with him at the time, I know he only did it because he cares about me.” Niall finishes, and Savan nods, shooting Niall an approving smile. 

“That’s a really good thing to realise, Niall, and something you should all realise. Everyone, even though it may not feel like it at the time, wants you to get better; boys, and their actions reflect this. This was a great session, as always. I’m really proud of you all.” They get up to leave, and make their way down to activity, which Niall explains is only a therapy session every second day- today, they’re free to play board games and read books. Zayn would like to go back to the lake Harry showed him, but a look outside the window shows rain showering down- he forfeits that idea and heads over the bookshelf, surveying the different books there. On one of the lower shelfs, he spots Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone, which has been one of his favourites for a long time. He slides it out of its place, and takes it over to where the four boys are playing cards. 

Liam looks apologetic, and says, “This game only has four players, Zayn, but I’d be happy to sit out if you’d like-” Zayn taps his book with a smile, and says “I’m happy to read, Liam.” He pulls out a chair, and steps into the world of Harry Potter, only briefly stepping out to congratulate the winning team every so often. 

After lunch, Louis asks if they will play hide and seek with him, and Liam looks around, frowning, but says, “Only if we set down some ground rules. Or else it’d take completely ages.”  
“No outside, then.” Niall says and Zayn says “Probably for the best, really, considering it’s raining.”

“No hiding in other peoples’ rooms, either. That’s an invasion of privacy.” Liam says, and they nod. 

“Is that all?” Louis asks, and Liam nods. “We’ll count to forty?”

“Zayn’s it!” The four boys take off faster than Zayn’s ever seen them, and he’s left to count to forty, and then try and find them.

He’s walking along a long corridor, one he’s never seen before, but he thought he heard a very ‘Niall’ like giggle about a minute ago coming from this direction. He stops at the first door he comes to, which has been left ajar, as if someone might have rushed into the room and not thought to close the door the whole way. The room looks vaguely disused, a quiet settled over the room. The desk looks as thought it’s scattered with forgotten papers, and he thinks it’s safe that he can search here with out someone like Cheryl getting mad at him. He searches under the desk and behind the door, the obvious places, and then spots the large cupboards in the corner. A perfect hiding place Zayn thinks, and flings open the door triumphantly. The only thing that greets him is some dust, and large filing cabinets. He’s about to try and look somewhere else, but his curiosity and perhaps a little of his disregard for authority tell him to have a look in the filing cabinets. The labels on the front of the cabinets are colour co-ordinated, and without realising, Zayn has the red-labelled cabinet open, and is peering through the folders.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little cliffhanger.... and don't you go forgetting about Ben.... He's quite important- I've already said too much! :)


	7. Hide and Seek

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Knowledge gained isn't always beneficial.

The folders are of various ages, Liam’s looking fading and worn, and his own looking fresh out of the packet. Each folder is quite full, pages of handwriting and typing filling it. Whilst Liam’s is definitely the oldest folder, his is the thinnest, bar Zayn’s. 

Harry’s is the thickest, then Niall and Louis. Zayn pulls out Harry’s folder, and on the front is stamped, in large letters, the words At Risk. Zayn opens the folder, flicking through the notes haphazardly, some of which are pages of handwriting and typing stapled together, until he sees dates at the top of each one. He reads the one in his hand, which begins in typed font 

_"Guest Styles was found to be attempting to harm or grievously injure himself today, utilising a knife stolen from kitchen services. Therapist supplies no reasons for this attempt, as the Guest is getting along well with other Guests and staff, and is eating and sleeping as normal."_

Stapled to this page is pages of handwriting, which he guesses to be Savan’s, from their therapy sessions. Using the dates, Zayn finds the first entry, which with a quick calculation roughly matches up to Liam’s dates. He reads the type on the front, which is not stapled to any other pages.

 _"Guest Styles was brought in for treatment at 3:28 pm today, and was placed in a room with Guest Horan. The two guests are close in age. The center has been informed that before reaching the center, Guest Styles was in hospital, after a suicide attempt. This was not his first attempt. Styles was still medicated from the hospital stay, and did not respond to stimulus. He was left to rest, but awoke later in the evening. Staff were called to the room where Guest Styles was found to be attempting bodily harm, using broken mirror shards."_ There is a note here, in scrawled handwriting that says _'Risk. Remove all unmounted mirrors.'_

_“The Guest was yelling his sister’s name very loudly.”_ Another piece of handwriting is next to this, saying _‘Information for therapist.’_ and an arrow.

_“Both Guest Styles and Guest Horan were calmed down, but are still under surveillance.”_

Zayn is thoroughly freaked out by the stilted tone of the letter- it reminds him of letters home to his parents, _“Mr. Malik was found starting a fight-”_ or _“Mr. Malik ignores and disregards school rules-”_ and he wants to tear up the paper, just like he did with the letters to his parents, just so that no one has to read what seems like a terrifying day in Harry’s life, typed out in monotone sentences. He closes the folder, and is about to open one of the other boy’s, or perhaps even his own, but he hears footsteps approaching down the corridor. He slams the cabinet closed, curses himself for making so much noise and then slips out into the corridor, where Harry is walking, back turned to him, up the corridor.

“Harry?” Zayn calls out and Harry spins around, face splitting into a smile when he sees Zayn. 

“Did they send you looking for me? I’m pretty sure that was my job- looking for you guys.” Harry smiles a little wider at this, and takes Zayn’s hand, leading him back the way they’d come. As they go past the door, Zayn remembers the folders- he can’t go back there now, especially with Harry with him- plus, Harry’s footsteps gave him the fright of his life. He could go at night though- there’d surely be less people around to find him looking. He briefly reconsiders- looking at Harry and remembering the contents of his folder, he wants the hug the boy, and make sure he doesn’t attempt something like that again- but then, he realises he feels closer to Harry, knowing a little bit more about him- and if Harry’s was the thickest, then surely the other boys have to be easier to handle?

He’d been missing for quite a while; he finds out- Harry leads him back to the dining hall, where Louis, Niall and Liam are all seated at the red table. 

“Oh, I knew hide and seek was a terrible idea!” Liam says when he spots Zayn, and Louis huffs his indignation, but Zayn doesn’t quite hear him because Liam wraps him up in a hug and it feels like Louis and Niall do too.

“Don’t go missing again, please, Zayn?” Liam murmurs, and Zayn flashes back to what Niall had told him- about Louis going missing. “Won’t, Liam,” Zayn murmurs back. They stay in the dining hall till it’s time for dinner, which is a shepherd’s pie that smells absolutely delicious. Finding out (most likely) confidential information about the closest things he has to friends in this place must have worked up an appetite, because he digs in, mostly shutting out the conversation, until he hears his name. 

“Hmm? Sorry, I wasn’t listening.” Zayn says in apology, and Niall says, “It’s ok. They’re playing a movie tonight, and we were just wondering if you wanted to go to it?” 

“Which movie is it?” Zayn asks, and Liam says “Le Choriste. It’s a French film, apparently- that’s what Dr. Julian says. He says it’s very good.” Zayn nods, his plan brewing at the back of his mind. Hopefully this movie will put everyone to sleep, so that he’ll be able to sneak back into the office.


	8. We Move Lightly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry's tearing slightly at the seams, but Zayn's working to sew him back together.

The movie is good, and doesn’t put everyone to sleep as Zayn expected. 

However, it does make everyone feel good, and the five boys brush their teeth in happy spirits. They say goodnight, and Zayn and Niall head back to their room, Niall immediately curling up under his covers. 

“’Night, Zayn.” He says tiredly, and Zayn’s not sure if he really is that tired, or he’s putting it on a little so Zayn won’t try and ask any questions like the night before. Either way, it works out well for Zayn because Niall does head off to sleep very quickly. After what feels like the longest thirty minutes of his life, he gets up, and eases open the door, checking again that Niall is asleep. When the other boy makes no movements, Zayn pads out into the hall, trying to remember how to get to the room. He decides to navigate back past the bathrooms, because he’s pretty sure he can get to the dining hall from there, and subsequently the room. He’s just going past Louis and Harry’s room, when in the dead quiet of a sleeping center, he hears a sob. He thinks for a moment he imagined it- perhaps the center is haunted, as a boy had told him when he was in grade six. However, he hears it again a moment later, and decides to investigate. Niall had been right, he thinks as he eases the door open. In this place, everything was on fast forward- he genuinely cares about the four other boys sharing a colour and a bathroom with him. When he has the door open, he tiptoes into the room, seeing that it is furnished very similar to his own- there’s a bed by the door, where Louis is spread out, obviously fast asleep, and then another by the window, where Harry is sitting, looking out the window with his knees tucked to his chest, just like Louis had been in their therapy session today.

Zayn makes his way silently over the boy, and says his name quietly. Harry looks very surprised to see him, and hurriedly wipes at his eyes, which brings more attention to the fact he’s been crying than then if he hadn’t, the dim moonlight giving only enough light so that he doesn’t crash into the large cupboards standing against the wall. 

“I heard you out in the hall. Well, I heard someone out in the hall.” Harry raises an eyebrow, as if to say _what were you doing in the hall?_

“I was at the bathroom and I got a bit lost.” Zayn says, which is- well, not really true at all, but he’s not sure how to explain wanting to look at their folders without telling Harry what he knows.

“Why were you crying?” Zayn asks, and Harry rubs at his eyes again before shrugging.

“Just for the fun of it?” Zayn says- Harry smiles a little at that, and shakes his head. He unfolds his arms where they’re crossed over his knees, and turns them over, revealing the scars Zayn saw the day before.

“Ah,” Zayn says in understanding. He tries to give Harry a way out, so that he’s not revealing too much of himself, and says, “Do they hurt?” Harry shakes his head, and then taps his chest, right over his heart. 

“Ah,” Zayn says again. “Should I get Louis?” Zayn stands up a little, but Harry pulls him roughly back down, making the bed hit the headboard. They both turn breathlessly to look at Louis, but he doesn’t wake, only turning onto his side and muttering, “Lobster,”

“I want you to go back to sleep, Harry, or else you’ll be very tired in the morning.” Harry nods glumly at this, and then lies down, scooting back against the wall and patting the space next to him. Zayn gets the hint and lies down too, having to move right next to Harry so they can both fit on the single bed. He offers his arm to Harry. Harry takes it, stroking the black marks on the skin softly, until he’s just holding Zayn’s hand, his eyes drifting closed. When Zayn is sure that Harry is asleep, he gently slides his hand out, trying not to move the bed too much and wake Harry. He slips out of the room, neither boy noticing his absence, and finds he’s too tired to try and find the room tonight- he’ll just have to go tomorrow.

He wakes up the next morning to more rain and Niall’s alarm clock. There’s still an itch for a cigarette at the back of his throat, but it doesn’t feel as easy as it used to, when he could just go and buy a pack, or better yet, smoke the ones he kept on him. It’s harder to pay attention to the itch though, because he can’t think of a way to get rid of it- his cigarettes that he bought are locked in some cabinet somewhere, along with everything else the residents here aren’t allowed to have. He and Niall head down to breakfast, and it’s only when he gets a bit of jam on his jaw does he realise that he really needs a shave. It was something he hadn’t even thought of, but he’d quite like to shave, feeling a bit scruffy as it is. He poses the question to the table, and Liam says, “We have allocated time for that. Harry and Niall don’t really need to shave, but every three days one of the staff comes with us and gives us the razor to shave with.” Zayn knows it’s a similar story to the mouthwash and shampoos- too much temptation for someone in here. He looks at Niall then, thinking about temptation- because it’s all well and good that they can hide away Harry’s temptations- can mask anything that would bring him back to the dark place where he once was, but three times a day Niall has to face his biggest fear- and that doesn’t seem fair at all. He reaches over impulsively at this point and hugs Niall- because damn that boy has it under control to be able to withstand temptation like the one right in front of him. Niall leans into the hug, and shoots Zayn a slightly bemused smile; because they haven’t been that physically close since his arrival- but he smiles right back. 

Like Liam said, halfway through breakfast one of the nurses comes over and asks about shaving. Liam, Louis and Zayn agree, and she leads them out of the room. They don’t head in the direction of their bathrooms, but instead in a completely different direction. It’s only when they get there does Zayn recognise the office as that of Dr Louis, and the nurse unlocks the door, leading them through. From a cupboard she unlocks, she brings out three razors and blades, and shaving cream. She then leads them through a door, past where Zayn got changed on that first day, one that feels so long ago. Behind the door are sinks and mirrors, and a toilet. The nurse takes a seat in the corner, and starts to chat to Liam about the music program at Rivergrove. Zayn begins to shave, happily lulled by their conversation, when a hiss of pain jerks him out of his reverie. Zayn looks over to Louis, who has dropped his razor in the sink, instead clutching at his half-shaven face. The nurse leaps up, disappearing through the door and returning a moment later with a first aid kit.  
“Let’s have a look, Louis.” She says, gently pulling his hand away. It’s a small nick, but still a very visible one, right in the middle of his cheek. The nurse dabs at it, cleaning off the smeared blood, and then disinfects it with a cotton pad dipped in iodine. “All better!” She pronounces, and Louis smiles again. “You’re right to finish off.” Louis goes back to shaving the other side of his face, careful of the cut, and Zayn and Liam continue as well. They finish shaving without incident, and the nurse leads them back to the dining hall. Breakfast is just finishing up when they return, and they go back to the red table. As soon as Harry spots the cut on Louis’ cheek, he launches himself at the boy, burying his face into the crook of his neck.

“I’m alright, Haz. Just a nick. I’m alright.” Louis says, patting Harry gently on the back, but he doesn’t let go until they’re due to go to therapy.


	9. Raindrops and Roses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don't tell anyone, but Zayn's favourite musical is secretly the Sound of Music.

They move off to therapy, Harry and Louis still tucked close to each other, and Savan leads them through a meditation. The meditation and the relaxation afterwards go long enough that Savan says they have a little free time before lunch, because the organised group therapy will already be in progress. Zayn considers sneaking back to the room, spending his time flicking through the files, but Louis drags them all out into the rain, which has lessened to a sporadic drizzle. 

He immediately jumps into a puddle, much to their horror, splashing them all with water. They stand for moment, covered in water before Harry, much to everyone’s surprise, leaps into a puddle, splashing them all again. It’s outright war from that point, splashing and kicking water at each other. Liam has been mostly just avoiding the water, doing small retaliatory splashes every so often, but Zayn purposefully leaps into a puddle right behind Liam. He spins around, looking momentarily affronted, before he jumps and lands to splash Zayn right back. The momentum was a little much, and Liam careers into Zayn, sending them both back onto the wet grass. Liam falls on top of Zayn with an ‘ooof’ and sits up a little, tiny water droplets caught on his eyelashes. 

Zayn murmurs “Whoa there, cowboy,” and Liam smiles, and says “You’ve got something-” He freezes all of a sudden, and pushes off Zayn, and begins rounding up the other boys. It’s a good thing, because they’re all shivering a little too much, so they head back in side and are chastised by Dr Louis, who actually says phrases like “Catch your death”. At the end of his lecture, after ordering them all soup and then bed with a hot water bottle, he says “Very disappointed in you Liam- you know I rely on you to keep these three- well, four, with young Mr Malik here, out of trouble.” Liam looks like a kicked puppy, and doesn’t even pretend to laugh when Louis puts breadsticks in his mouth and acts like a walrus to cheer him up. They really are sent to bed after that, which Zayn thought had been an empty threat, but apparently not. One of the nurses, Mary, sends the boys to their respective rooms and promises to be there with hot water bottles and cups of tea. Zayn and Niall make their way to their room, and snuggle down into the blankets, saying grateful words to Mary when she comes in. They sip their tea in silence, every so often shooting each other a smile, and Zayn could really do for a nap, considering he’d been up with Harry the night before. The light drizzle they’d played in earlier is long gone, replaced with low rumbles of thunder and lightning every couple of minutes. He’s just about to drop off to sleep, Niall’s breathing evening out making him feel even drowsier when a soft knock comes at the door. Niall blearily opens his eyes as Zayn pads to the door, opening it to find Louis and Harry. They look the picture of frightened five year olds, blankets clutched in hand and water bottles tucked under their arms. 

“May we come in? We’re a bit frightened of the storm.” Louis says, quietly, Harry nodding vigorously and Zayn’s about to gently tease them about being afraid of the storm, when a particularly loud crack of thunder startles him and he takes back whatever line was on his tongue, and ushers them in, closing the door softly. They both head for his bed, flopping down and curling into each other. He looks at them for a moment, ready to ask one of them to move so at least he has a little chance of fitting on there, when another knock comes at the just shut door. He opens it to reveal Liam, his hair wet from the shower, and he looks a little more composed, considering he isn’t trailing a blanket behind him. Zayn raises an eyebrow and he says, “I just wanted to check on you guys- I know that Harry and Louis get a bit scared in-” another loud clap of thunder and Liam visibly jumps, and says, “Well, I might’ve been a bit scared on my own. Just a little.” Zayn smiles in response and opens the door for Liam. Liam looks around, momentarily unsure of where to go, but Niall moves over and pats the bed next to him, and Liam happily slides in, tucking the covers around them both. It’s Zayn’s turn to look at the beds, both occupied, and Harry and Louis move apart, leaving him a tiny slice in the middle. He manages to crawl into it, without too many rogue elbows or knees, and settles in between them, both of them cuddling in. Things quiet for a moment, but with another loud clap of thunder, they’re all startled. “I hope you all realise this isn’t the sound of music, and that just because I’ve let you into my room during a rainstorm, doesn’t mean I’ll be singing about mittens any time soon.” Zayn states, and they laugh, Louis saying sleepily “But Zayn! You love mittens.” Zayn nods, his eyelids drooping, and it feels nice to be ensconced in warmth, even if Louis’ hair tickles his neck and Harry’s elbows are quite pointy. He finds himself drifting off to sleep, and thinks, before going unconscious, that maybe he would sing about mittens for the four boys around him. 

The activity for that afternoon is craft, with all the guests being given pieces of play-doh.   
“This isn’t just any ordinary activity, guys.” Madge says, from the front of the room. “It’s all part of you getting better. This next part may seem a little scary, but trust me- you’ll feel better in the end. Everyone, I’d like you to shape the play-doh into something that scares you. Then, when we’re finished, we can all squash our bits of play-doh, just like we’re squashing our fears!” Everyone looked apprehensive at this, but nonetheless started work. 

Zayn sits down at the red table with his bit, and rolls it into a ball, thinking what to make. He began to roll it out, flattening it and shaping it to form a path. When he finished, he looked around, watching the others finish off their pieces. Zayn feels a coil of nerves in his belly- because this could easily get as personal as reading from the files in the office.   
“Do we talk about them?” Niall asks, and Madge, who’s walking nearby says “Oh yes! It’s always better to share.” Zayn’s not sure that’s quite true, but he turns back to the group.   
“Does anyone want to start, then?” Niall asks, and Zayn realises that they’ve all subconsciously placed their hands over their play-doh, hiding them from the rest of the group.  
Harry holds up his hand, effectively revealing his piece. With his play-doh, Harry had moulded a broken heart. Zayn’s taken aback a little, and realises that he’d been most scared of seeing Harry’s, automatically assuming it would have something to do with suicide. They all nod, and turn to Louis. Louis reveals a small dragon that he’s crafted, and Zayn lets out a confused noise. 

“When I was 7 I thought that a dragon lived in my cupboard. I couldn’t get to sleep each night, because I thought that the dragon would come out and eat me and my mum and my sisters.” They turn to Liam, who holds up his hands to reveal- no play-doh. “I’m scared of being alone.” Liam says. Niall tentatively holds up his hands, to reveal a small plate. “It’s an empty plate,” Niall explains. “Because-” his voice chokes off into a sob and he takes a deep breath. “Because-” He tries again, and Zayn feels a sense of panic, second hand terror passing over him, and he cuts in with “Mine’s about how I’m scared I’ve got no future!” The four boys turn to him, and he smiles, gesturing awkwardly to his play-doh. They nod, and then in turn, they bring the flats of their palms down upon their doughy concoctions, metaphorically doing away with their fears. 

“Do you feel better? I feel better.” Louis says to the table and they all nod. Zayn had been apprehensive at first, but something about squishing the play-doh had worked, sucking away his fears- for the moment, at least.


	10. Cracked Dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> These days, Zayn feels like he's stuck in some sort of a fever dream.

Zayn’s mind is still on the room full of papers during dinner, and when he absentmindedly refuses ice cream for dessert, they all turn to him.

“Are you ok, Zayn?” Louis asks, and Zayn nods, smiling sadly. “Just homesick.” He lies, slick as if he was talking to his parents or a teacher- and without even realising it, he’s slipped into that headspace, where truth seems completely optional.

The boys are fooled though, and Zayn feels guiltier than ever, and he promises himself that he’ll make it up to them, once he’s got his hands on those papers, of course.

The night is uneventful- they shower, brush their teeth as per normal and head off to bed. Zayn waits twenty, twenty five minutes for Niall to drop off to sleep, but he can’t wait any longer, so he reasons that if Niall were to wake up, he could just tell him he was going to the bathroom, and hopefully he’d be asleep before Zayn got back.

He slips out into the quiet hall, shadows cast long on the ground from the moonlight outside. He pads down the hall, and tries his hardest to remember where the room was. He’s been walking for a couple of minutes, and he hears- something. It sounds like footsteps, and the acoustics in the Centre are nowhere near good enough for the kind of echoes of his own footsteps- but when he stops, and looks around, the footsteps stop as well- he reasons that if it was one of the doctors, they’d just come up and ask what he was doing. He continues walking again, and the footsteps start up again, getting louder as it sounds as though his pursuer is getting closer. He spins around, and it’s Harry standing there.

“I know what you’re doing.” He says, and Zayn’s so taken aback to hear sound coming from Harry that he can’t even compute what’s he said.  
“Sorry, what?” He says, and Harry huffs.

“I know what you’re doing. You want to look at our files.” Harry says, and Zayn frowns.

“There’s no way you could know that.” Zayn says and Harry quirks an eyebrow.

“I see everything, Zayn. I know all.” Harry says, and Zayn laughs.

“If you know everything, then you know how I feel about-

Zayn wakes up in a cold sweat- he must’ve fallen asleep while waiting for Niall to fall asleep. The clock on Niall’s bedside says that it’s 5:03, meaning that some guests will already be up- he has no chance to go looking for the files now. He shuts his eyes and tries to go back to sleep.

“Have we got group therapy now?” Zayn asked as they left their session with Savan.  
“No- that’s only every second day. Madge did organise a nature walk for us, though.” Liam says, and Zayn pulls a face.

“What?” Liam enquires, and Zayn bites back a ‘I don’t really do nature’ and instead replaces it for “I didn’t sleep so well last night. Do you think Madge would mind if I just had a little nap until lunch?” Liam shakes his head.

“I’ll let her know. I hope you feel better at lunch!” Liam says, and makes his way over to the rest of the guests at the doors. Zayn waves goodbye and then moves over to the stairs, trying to remember where the room was.

He finds it much sooner than he expected, the dust still floating around in the light, but the papers are ordered on the desk, and the cupboards are shut. Someone must’ve been in here recently- Zayn thought, but decides to investigate anyway. He opens up the filing cabinet, and pulls out Harry’s file again, careful not to rearrange anything too much. It’s mostly notes from sessions with Savan, but one piece of paper, close to the top of the pile has a date that’s only about a month back. It begins in the same monotone voice, and it seems like just an update on his time at Rivergrove, until a sentence about half way down the page catches Zayn’s notice.

_Guest Styles was not present at lunch, with Guest Payne advising administration he was simply taking a nap. Guest Tomlinson was also absent, and the two were found on the roof of the building, unbeknownst to administration. Guest Tomlinson was conversing with Guest Styles in a manner to distract him from his intended purpose, to commit grievous bodily harm._

Harry was still sick? He couldn’t be- he wasn’t speaking, sure, but he still seemed fine. Like he was getting better. The sound of footsteps, men’s shoes like the ones his father wears to work were clicking down the hall, and Zayn, on impulse, shuts the cupboard door, sealing himself inside.

“Gina, I’m sure I left the paper in here.” A man walks into the room, and Zayn can hear papers shuffled and then the man leaves. “Found it,” fades into the distance. Zayn opens the door slowly and he slips out, padding quietly down the hall. He hears a cough behind him, and Harry stands there. Zayn knows he looks guilty immediately. Harry sends him a questioning look.

“Too bad you can’t speak, Harry, or you could ask me what I’ve been doing.” Zayn says. Harry opens his mouth, and Zayn genuinely thinks he’s about to speak but he closes his mouth.

“Why don’t you speak, Harry?” Zayn asks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little bit of a cliffhanger, but if this is well-received, up the next part goes!


	11. Imagination

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's just you and me- let me in, please.

Harry pauses, almost a full minute standing stock still, and then he grabs Zayn’s hand, walking briskly through the centre. They climb three staircases, and Zayn’s stomach sinks with every flight- it’s just like in the folder. 

Harry leads him through a door, and up another staircase and they’re up on the roof, looking over the whole grounds. Harry opens his mouth again, and Zayn’s scared, close to holding Harry’s mouth closed because this all feels so real, playing with fire in a bar with liquor sticky on the ground. 

“You don’t- you don’t have to say anything. I don’t mind. Just tell me to fuck off, I don’t mind, honestly. Even just flip me the bird, I’ll get the message.” Harry shakes his head, and opens his mouth again. 

“The reason-” Harry’s voice is stiff with disuse. “The reason I don’t talk is,” Harry clears his throat. “I don’t talk because I’m worried that I’ll let out how horrible I am inside.”

“Oh Harry.” Zayn feels tears welling up, because it’s clear how worthless Harry thinks he is.

“I want you to get better, Harry. I want to get better. I want us all to get better.” Zayn says and Harry shakes his head, smiling sadly. 

“You’re so new, Zayn. You haven’t seen people fail. I know it seems like we’re getting better but even when- or if, we leave, it’ll never go away. For you- what you’re doing, it’s fixable. I can pretend how I feel isn’t how I feel- ignore the thoughts that make me want to jump off this building. But- but take Louis for example. He can’t live a normal life. That’s what makes it feel like it’s not worth it.” Harry pauses for a minute, and he looks like he’s aged about 20 years. 

“When you look at it like that, Harry, it makes a lot of sense. I see your point of view. But I just want you to know that it doesn’t have to be like that. Not for Louis- not for me, and never for you. You mean so much to this world, and the only thing you’re doing by not talking is to hide that away. We’ve been speaking for ten minutes, and I don’t think you’re horrible at all.” Zayn’s throat is tight by the end of the sentence, and Harry has tears brimming in his eyes.

“We’d probably best get back. The nature walk won’t last forever.” Zayn says, and Harry nods. They head down back down the stairs and to the dining room, where their group sits at the table, looking a little lost. Liam lights up when he sees them and waves vigorously. Zayn waves back, and leads Harry over to get some food, before joining the other three at the table.

“We were just about to ask Mary to go out on a search party for you two!” Niall says, and Liam asks “Are you feeling rested, Zayn?”

“What?” Zayn says, and a little too late he remembers that he didn’t sleep well- as he said, and yawns, to play the part. “Much better.”

Louis has been fussing over Harry since lunch, with Harry first tolerating it, then pulling away more and more. However, the only effect it seems to have had is to make Louis more and more anxious, which results in more fussing. They head back to their room halfway through game time, Louis hurrying after Harry. Zayn waits a couple of minutes, but when the stirring in his stomach doesn’t go away, he excuses himself too.

He makes his way to Louis and Harry’s room, and pauses at the doorway. Louis sits on the bed, knees pulled to his chest with Harry standing above.

“Why am I here, Louis? Tell me.” Harry says.

“Because- Harry, why are you doing this?” Louis says.

“You don’t get it Louis- do you?” Harry says.

“You’re here- you’re here because you love me and you’re just waiting for me to get better.” Louis says.

“I don’t want to be here, Louis. I’m here because I don’t want to be alive. And you’re here because a little part of your brain is missing, the one that helps you discern better your real life and something that happened on TV! You can’t fix that, Louis- tell me, what did we do at the beach?” Harry says. Louis begins to reply “Well, Niall lost all his clothes in strip poker so you and I covered him in sand-”

“No Louis. That never happened. You made it up! You’re here forever, Louis, but I’m leaving as soon as I can, and I’m not waiting around for you.” Harry says, and Zayn has witnessed enough.

“Harry, stop. Stop right now. You can’t speak to him like that!” Zayn says and Harry retorts “Why not? Someone should finally treat him like a human being!” Zayn pushes past Harry and goes to sit with Louis on the bed.

“Harry, I want you to leave now, please.” Zayn says, and Harry looks as though he might argue for a minute, before walking out.

“Louis- Louis, look at me please.” Louis looks up, and he’s not crying- but his eyes are wide and he looks frightened. 

“Harry doesn’t mean it, does he, Zayn?” Louis says, and Zayn shakes his head. 

“Of course not, Lou.” He assures, but Louis still looks confused.

“Why would he say those things, then?” He asks, and Zayn is torn- how do you explain something like that?

“He’s just- we all get angry sometimes, Louis. He’s had a lot to think about, lately, and he was just taking it all out on you. Don’t- don’t listen to him. Promise me?” Zayn says and Louis nods, slowly.

“Harry wasn’t really speaking, was he?” Louis asks, and Zayn, on impulse shakes his head. It brings up a whole host of questions- how many times has Harry spoken to Louis and Louis has convinced himself that it’s just his disease that makes him imagine it?

“Are you feeling alright now, Louis?” Zayn asks, and Louis smiles and nods. 

“Yeah, all fine. We should go back to activity, though. I wouldn’t want anyone to worry,” Louis says, and so, they head back downstairs, where Harry, Niall and Liam are playing scrabble. Liam smiles as Zayn sits down, and Niall triumphantly places ‘cupboard’. Zayn’s not ever played scrabble before, so he watches, trying to keep track of the points. He catches Harry watching him now and again, and he feels a distinct shift in their relationship. Harry offers him a smile halfway through the game, and Zayn half returns it, still in shock at Harry’s complete change in character.


	12. Loss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They can work through this together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quite trigger-y, so please be cautious, lovelies!

Dinner that night is pea and ham soup, and Zayn begins to eat quickly, to give himself something to do so he won’t keep watching Harry. Near the end of the meal, Liam hits his palm against the table, and says “Oh gosh, Zayn, I completely forgot, I was meant to take you to see Dr. Louis before dinner. We’d best just go now.” Liam pushes his bowl away, and Zayn mimics him. They make their way out of the dining hall, and instead of taking a left to Dr. Louis’ office, they make a right towards their rooms.

“Liam, what are we doing?” Zayn asks, and Liam smiles guiltily.

“So... I made up the story about Dr. Louis.” Liam says, and Zayn gasps.

“Liam, you know lying is sin, right?” Zayn says, with a grin and Liam flusters a little, saying “I just wanted to talk to you, ok?” Liam leads them back to his room, but they keep going past the door to his room. Zayn begins to think they’re going to the bathroom, but they take a right and they’re in a small, cosy library. Liam sits down on a very comfy armchair, and Zayn takes the one opposite him.

“Do you know what’s going on with Louis and Harry?” Liam asks, and Zayn pauses before saying “No. Didn’t realise there was anything to worry about?” Liam looks at him, his expression unreadable.

“Why are you here, Zayn?” Liam asks, and Zayn replies “What, on this earth, or in this library?” Liam smiles briefly, but continues “Here at Rivergrove. What- what lead you here?”

“Well, my parents decided my behaviour wasn’t exemplary-” Zayn starts but Liam shakes his head.

“No, no, before that. It doesn’t just come out of nowhere, Zayn.” Liam says.

Zayn knows there’s two ways he can go with this- he can deny it, or he can talk about something he’s not thought about for a long time.

“When I was nine, I had this friend, Ben. He moved to my school that year, and I didn’t really have that many friends, and neither did he, so we just started hanging out together. I never really understood why he didn’t have many friends- I thought he was funny, and kind, and a lot of fun. I told him about my parents, and I told him about how much I liked art, and he just accepted me for all that stuff. When we were 12, he found out,” Zayn’s mouth goes dry, and he can see that day- Ben had been away from school, and Zayn was kinda mad at him because they had maths that day and Zayn wasn’t too good at maths. The boys in the row behind him had teased him when he got the answers wrong, and Ben wasn’t there to help him or to tell them to shut up. So when Ben came over that afternoon, all this anger at the other boys just bubbled over, until he was yelling at Ben, screaming over something as stupid as a maths lesson. Ben waited until he’d got it all out, and then told him that the doctors said they’d found a tumour in his brain, and he had two months to live.

Zayn can remember crying, and Ben crying, and it was like a light had been shut off. Liam’s looking at him, kindness on his face and Zayn has a sneaking suspicion Liam knows where this is going. “He found out he was going to die in two months. That’s what the doctors said, anyway. He only made it a month, and then he was gone. And I just thought, after that, what does life really matter, anyway? I shut myself off from everyone till I was 15, and then I started hanging around with these guys- they smoked and they drank and then I did too. It made me feel invincible, and for a little while, I could forget about Ben. Most days, I can block it out.” Zayn says, and Liam’s holding his lip in his teeth, his chin quivering a little.

“It’s alright, Liam. I promise.” Zayn says, and Liam shakes his head. “You can’t hold this stuff inside, Zayn. It’ll get too much, I promise.” Zayn nods, he knows it’s true because he’s felt it before, one thing stacked on top of each other until it’s all too much, until he can’t make the simplest decisions because it all feels too hard.  
“Have you ever relapsed, Liam?” Zayn asks, and then adds “Uh- if you’re comfortable with answering that.”

Liam pauses and looks down his hands for a long moment. “Once, when I was new here. Do you remember how I said I had a roommate?” Zayn thinks back, and nods.  
“Well, the reason he was here was because he was dealing with really serious anger issues. Every day, I’d politely ask him to keep his side clean- I offered to do it for him, but he’d snap and push me away. Then afterwards he’d apologise and promise to do it the next day, but it would just happen again and again. One day, I just got so frustrated that when he left for breakfast, I made his bed. When he got back to our room after breakfast and realised what I’d done, he stormed out. I thought he’d just work out his anger, deal with it and then come back calmer. However, when I came back after lunch, he’d taken revenge. It was raining that day, I remember, and he’d taken the fresh mud from outside and put it all through my bedclothes and through all my belongings. I’d told him when I first got here that the bullies at my old school had found out about my OCD and used to push me in mud, because they knew how much I hated it. I don’t remember a lot after that, but I remember- like, waking up, if that makes sense, and I was in the bathroom, and I’d been scrubbing at my teeth and my mouth with my toothbrush. There was blood all down my chin, but I could still taste mud. I screamed and screamed, and two of the nurses took me to Dr. Louis’ office where he managed to calm me down.”

Liam still manages to smile, though it’s watery, and says “But it’s alright- I’m getting better, I promise.”

Zayn remembers back to the day they played outside in the rain, and asks “How could you play out in the rain with us, Liam?” Liam pauses, momentarily confused and then nods and says “I guess I was just caught up with having fun with you guys.” Zayn says “You must be getting a bit better, then?” and Liam nods. Zayn pauses for a minute, debating whether or not to say what he wants to say next.

“When you fell on me, before you jumped up-” Zayn meets Liam’s eyes again, and he’s pretty sure again that Liam knows what he’s going to say. He says it anyway.

“I thought you were going to kiss me.”

“I thought I was too.” Liam answers.

“Why didn’t you?” Zayn inquires.

“This isn’t summer camp, Zayn. I didn’t come here to fall in love, or something. I came here because I was sick, and I wanted to get better. I think you’re wonderful, Zayn, I truly do, and maybe, if the circumstances were different, something could happen. Surely someone like you doesn’t really want to be with someone like me?” Liam says, an expression of understanding on his face. Liam gets up, and walks to the door, but pauses there.

“You’re going to get better, Zayn. We all know it.” Liam turns and walks away.

Zayn can’t see why it’s fair- can’t see why anything’s fair. He curls in on himself in that armchair, tears wetting his pyjama pants where his face is pressed against his legs. He lets himself think of Ben, of how much he meant, everything he did that made Zayn feel a little better about himself. He thinks about every time Ben made him smile, and every time Ben made him cry. He thinks about his last moment with Ben, not his still body in the casket but that last moment in the hospital, his eyes half closed and he's saying _you’re special, Zayn, and anyone who can’t see that doesn’t deserve to see you at all._

Zayn sits up straight, realisation painted across his face, and he stands and runs back to Liam’s room.

He knocks furiously, until Liam opens up, bewildered.

“Zayn, what are you-” Zayn says nothing, only thinks _Ben wouldn’t have let you go_ before he’s moving forwards, pressing his lips against Liam’s.

“I want to see you get better, Liam.” Zayn says when he pulls back gently, and Liam smiles.

“You’d better get to bed, Zayn. It’s not strictly against the rules to have relationships here, but...” Zayn gets what Liam’s trying to say, and he nods.

“See you in the morning, yeah?” Zayn says, and pulls Liam into a hug, pressing a kiss to his lips.


	13. Solo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Come my friends, 't is not too late to seek a newer world.

Zayn wakes up and everything comes flooding back- telling Liam about Ben, kissing Liam- and a slow smile spreads across his face. He feels settled at Rivergrove, and that in itself is quite unsettling- He’s always been wary of becoming comfortable. On the other bed, Niall is waking up, sitting up and stretching. 

“You look different.” He comments, and Zayn laughs a little.

“I’m smiling, for once.” Zayn remarks. Niall shakes his head.  
“No, no, I’ve seen you smile a couple of times. I just don’t think you’ve noticed.” Liam comes by at that point, and says that Cheryl had been by to say that they have therapy with Savan before breakfast. Niall and Zayn wash up and make their way there- Harry and Louis arrive a few minutes later, with Liam only a few minutes behind them. There’s something in the air- Zayn can feel it, and it seems like Louis can too. 

“Are you alright, Lou?” Niall asks. Louis looks as though he’s been woken up after a deep sleep.  
“Only thinking. Today feels like a bad day.” Louis says.  
“Are you sure, Louis? A day is only as good as you make it.” Liam looks at Zayn when he says then, and Zayn smiles back. Louis nods back distractedly, his eyes fixed a little off to the left from Zayn’s head.

In the centre of the room there is a dish on a small table covered with a plate cover. 

Savan sits in his usual place, and they sit down on the chairs gathered in a semi-circle around where he sits. 

“Welcome, guys. So, today I thought I’d challenge one of you again. I like to think of it as a marker to show how well you’re doing. Don’t feel any pressure if I challenge you- it just means that I think you’re ready for it. Niall?” Niall nods. “This is your challenge. Would you like to remove the dish cover?”

Niall removes the dish cover and a fresh bowl of fruit salad sits there, drizzled with yoghurt and sprinkled with muesli. 

“It’s for you, Niall. Kerrie told me it’s your favourite. I want you to eat this whole bowl.”

“It’s too much.” Niall immediately replies, a slight quiver in his voice, but Savan shakes his head. 

“You can do it, Niall. We all know you can. Don’t we, boys?” Savan addresses the group as a whole and they murmur their assent. Niall closes his eyes for a long moment, and then nods. 

“Alright. I can do it.” He gathers up the bowl and the spoon, and with a shaky hand, feeds himself the first spoonful. He chews, and gulps it down. “I don’t know-” He begins to say, but Louis says, “You do know, Niall. You know you can do it too.”

Zayn watches Niall as he eats, watches him pause a little before eating each bite of fruit and he can see the internal struggle, every fibre of Niall’s body screaming no no stop please. Zayn wonders if Niall can remember the last time he ate a whole meal voluntarily, wonders if he can remember enjoying food without guilt, without regret. Liam smiles at Zayn again, and he’s reminded again of how Liam believes he’ll get better, of how he says that everyone believes he’ll get better. Zayn wonders if they’ll all get better some day- or if it’s impossible to get over something buried so deep within your mind.

Niall finishes the bowl and drops the spoon back into the bowl. He places the bowl back onto the table, and sits back. 

“How was it, Niall?” Liam asks quietly, and Niall smiles shakily. He wipes at his eyes, and says “I feel- different. Fuller. I think I like it. It doesn’t feel good just yet- but I think it will soon.” Zayn’s taken aback, overwhelmed with Niall’s statements, how much it seems he does want to get better. 

“Since we’re on such a positive role, guys, I have something else I thought we could try. Zayn?” Savan looks at Zayn, and Zayn smiles.

“It’s alright Savan- I think I’ve kicked my nicotine addiction to the curb.”

“No, no. This isn’t a challenge. I thought, like last time, we could have a little show and tell, so we can get to know you a little more.”

From behind his back, Savan pulls out Zayn’s sketchbook. Zayn feels the world slow- his heartbeat loud in his ears- the four other boys all look at him in slow motion, matching smiles on their faces and he can feel his brain short-circuiting, his lungs emptying of air. He’s muttering no no no please god no. 

“Zayn? Are you not ready for this?” Savan’s voice sounds like it’s coming from miles away, and Zayn can’t quite process what he’s asking, only that he doesn’t want to do whatever it is. Without much conscious effort, he walks over and takes the sketchbook, and without a word to anyone, he walks out of the door. 

He keeps on walking, possibly running at some points until he’s at the fence of the grounds again, like he was with Harry on a day that feels like at least a year from where he is now. He sits, and tries to look for the swans again, but all he can see is the lake, the fluffy white clouds reflected back.

 

To say he’s surprised when Harry sits down next to him isn’t quite right- he’s pretty sure Harry’s the only one who comes down here anyway, but he’s still in overdrive over the possibility of showing his sketchbook to the boys. 

Harry pointedly looks at the book. Zayn snorts a laugh.

“No, you can’t see it.” Zayn thinks back to offering to show the book to Liam- the thought makes him feel ill. 

“I know you were there when I told Liam I’d show him- but that’s different. That was before. And I know you wouldn’t judge me or whatever, but- it would be like ‘hey guys, let’s cut open my skull and poke around in my brain.’” Harry’s still looking at the sketchbook.

“No, Harry. Not now.” Harry quirks an eyebrow. “Honestly, sometimes I have no idea if I’m even talking about what you want to talk about- this whole not talking thing is really hard to carry on a conversation with-” Harry places a finger on his lips, and Zayn stills. Harry pauses, just looking at Zayn, and then he says “For once, Zayn, stop. thinking.” Zayn doesn’t say anything back, not sure if that would mean he was thinking again. 

“Why can’t we see the sketchbook?” Harry asks, and Zayn says “It’s just like I said. It’s my brain. I’ve poured everything I’ve ever thought in there. How do I know I could trust you?”

“Close your eyes and I’ll look.” Harry suggests and Zayn laughs.

“How does that make it better?” 

“Well, then you can pretend to yourself I haven’t looked at it, but I still will have looked at it.” Harry says this like it’s the most logical thing he’s ever said, and so Zayn shuts his eyes, because it’s kinda hard to start trusting people again, if you never try, right?

He hears the flutter of pages. He wonders what page Harry opened to- one full of writing, or pictures, or the rare instance of both. He imagines Harry reading the journal entry after Ben’s death- imagines him reading the entry the first time he kissed a girl, kissed a boy- he imagines Harry knowing all these things about him, things nobody knows. 

“What are you reading?” Zayn asks. The urge to open his eyes is almost overwhelming. 

“‘Property of Zayn Malik. If found, please burn without reading.’ Oh, and here’s a cool picture of a dragon.”

“That’s all you’ve read?”

“Well, i figure if I read anymore I’ll know almost too much about you. Why don’t you open your eyes, and we can look together.” Harry says- his voice sounds safe, like this isn’t all a big trick to spin around on Zayn.

“You promise you won’t-” Zayn begins, but Harry cuts across. 

“We’ve all got a sketchbook, Zayn, though not always one like this. I understand.” Zayn lets his eyes open a little, almost of their own volition, and then opens them fully. 

The world hasn’t incinerated- he’s still sitting on slightly damp ground with Harry next to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wait what? this story is back? hell YEAH it's back! look forward to more soon :D


	14. Lucid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liam is a troubled but artistically brilliant painter, and Zayn is- well, Zayn's just confused.

“Oh.” Zayn says, and Harry raises an eyebrow quizzically. 

“No fire and brimstone.” Zayn says, and Harry snorts.

“Christ, Zayn, it’s all end of the world with you today, isn’t it.” Harry looks more relaxed than Zayn has seen- he’s talking for one, which is still a little unsettling. Zayn figures nows as good a time as any, so he dives in.

“Do you love Louis, Harry?” Zayn asks. 

“I love him in the mornings, when he smiles at me, not awake enough invent another reality. I love him at lunchtime, when he rubs his ankle against mine, and smiles. I love him because he doesn’t look at me like i’ve got a knife in one hand and a bottle of pills in the other- he doesn’t look at me like i’m a ticking time bomb. I like that. But I’m shallow. I always imagined waking up next to an intellectual- someone who’ll quote Thoreau to me, who’ll cook my favourite meal because they know I’ve been kinda down lately. Louis lives in a square about a metre around on all sides. Nothing seems to register past that.” Harry heaves a sigh at this. “Not like Liam.”

“What do you mean?” Zayn asks. Harry closes his eyes, and falls back onto the grass. 

“You’re a late 17th century muse, and he’s a troubled but artistically brilliant painter. I don’t know how I can make this any more obvious.” Well, Zayn thinks, surely there must be some way or other. 

“He loves you. Though he’d never say that himself. Some people, honestly.” Harry says. 

“Did he says that?” Zayn asks.

“He doesn’t need to, honestly. He’s Liam.” Harry says, as if that’s somehow an explanation.

“He told me he’s not here for that though- that all he really wants is to get better.” Zayn says. He feels like the kiss changed things, but then again, maybe it didn’t- Liam certainly hasn’t acknowledged it. 

“I don’t think he meant to fall in love with you, Zayn, but against all our best wishes, a lot of the time we do. Love’s important- it not everything, and it won’t make any of us better, but it helps, in the end.” Harry stands up at that point, and gestures Zayn to as well.

“What- back to not speaking?” Zayn asked, laughing a little. 

“I’m still not better Zayn- I let you see a very vulnerable part of me through all this talking, but I’m still not better- but the quiet of not speaking, not thinking about what to say or how to say it makes it easier. I know you wish I could just magically speak comfortably and confidently, but I can’t. Not yet, anyway. So can we keep this between us?” Harry says, and Zayn finds himself nodding.

“Yeah, course, Harry. I understand.”

They head back up to the centre- and Louis attacks Harry as soon as they arrive, cuddling him close- Niall shoots Zayn a relieved grin, and Liam- well, Liam smiles like he always does. Zayn wonders what has changed between them- if anything at all. 

Liam does beckon Zayn forward, and says “Uh- Savan said, after you left... uh, that you’re to have a meeting with Dr. Louis today- if you’re up to it.” Zayn nods, and Liam looks relieved. 

“Alright! I’ll take you there now.” They walk in silence, and it feels like last time- that Liam will take them into some secluded corner and air this all out. Zayn’s desperate to ask Liam about how he feels, or something-because it feels all a little foggy between them. Before he can put it into words though, they’re at Dr. Louis’ office door, and Liam is saying “Well, I’ll leave you here. See you at lunch, ok?” and without another word, turns on his heel and walks away. Zayn knocks, and hears a ‘Come in’ from inside. 

“Hi Zayn,” Dr Louis says. “How are you?”

“Great, Dr. Louis, thanks.” Zayn says, sarcastically.

“I know, Zayn. We’re in a health centre. But it’s polite. How do you like the centre?” asked Dr. Louis.

“I’m very happy here. I feel great. Can I go home now?” Zayn says. 

“Unfortunately, Zayn, you are here for a reason. Your behaviour in the past wasn’t good. The alcohol, the drugs... and according to Savan, there are underlying problems with your mental health. For example- your reaction to seeing your sketchbook?”

“Well, first of all, as far as I was aware, the sketchbook was at the bottom of my closet, in my room. So I’m not quite sure why it was taken without my permission. But that’s neither here nor there. As I said, I was just surprised. And, I mean- it’s pretty private. I don’t really know why I would be blasé about showing it to people- I’ve only been here a couple of days, Doc, do you really think I’d be comfortable showing a room of almost strangers something so private? Really, I think my behaviour matched the situation pretty well.” Zayn’s played this game, before, knows it like the back of his hand. Fights are justified, detentions are unfairly doled out and by the end, the adult in question is on Zayn’s side. 

“That’s a fair point, Zayn. I can see that you have a strong connection to your possessions-” Dr. Louis begins, but Zayn cuts in with a “Not just possessions, Doc. That sketchbook has been a form of recovery. Honestly, without it, the kind of position I would be in is unimaginable. It was just- I mean, to see it there, I really should have shown it to everyone, I completely overreacted, you’re right.” Zayn says. 

Dr. Louis looks confused- maybe he’s used to running the conversations, so he says, in a slightly offset tone- “Well, perhaps I’m mistaken. Your reaction- well, perhaps it was a little dramatic, but I can- it was quite justified. I can see that now. Uh- I guess that’s all. You may go.”

“Cheers, Doc. See you later!” Zayn says, and walks out cheerfully. Mental problems? Zayn thinks As if! I’m normal as... normal.

“Before you go, Zayn?” Dr. Louis calls out, and Zayn walks back into the doorway.

“I’m putting you on rest for the remainder of the day. If you head on down to information, Cheryl will show you where you’ll be staying for tonight. I think you need a little time to yourself.”

“You’re putting me in isolation?” Zayn asks, and Dr. Louis shakes his head with a laugh.

“This isn’t prison, Zayn. I just think you need a little time to recuperate.” Dr. Louis says, and waves him away.


	15. Thaw

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zayn knows how it feels to be unloved- he just wants to save Liam from the same thing, ok?

The room was nice, but it was quiet- no surprise visits from Louis, no gentle snoring from Niall- so Zayn’s eager for human company when he gets to breakfast the next day. With the way time moves around here Zayn would’ve thought that the boys had forgotten about what had happened the day before, but over toast and cereal, the conversation is stilted.

“What’s gotten into everyone?” Zayn poses to the group, and Niall finally meets his eye.

“Are you ok, Zayn? You didn’t try to hurt Dr. Louis or anything, did you?” Niall asks, his eyebrows coming together in concern.

“Hurt Dr. Louis? What do you think, I was part of a gang before I came here or something? Of course I didn’t hurt Dr. Louis. What would make you say that?” Zayn asks, thoroughly confused.

“Well, I mean- Jonathan Chaucer told Dr. Blake he was going to strangle her, so he was in rest for a week- so we just assumed something similar happened to you.” Liam says, and Zayn’s eyebrows shoot up in surprise.

“So that’s what rest really is? I knew it! And no, I didn’t try to maim Dr. Louis with his irritating owl pencil topper, although I wanted to. He said it was so I could “recuperate”.” Zayn says.

“Which room did you stay in?” Niall asks, and Zayn responds with “The Oak Room. At least- I’m pretty sure that’s what it said on the door.”

“Oh no, that’s definitely a “potential threat” room. See, when I spilled Liam’s toothpaste, I had go to the Pine Room, and it was nice but then Harry and Niall were arguing outside so me Liam and Zayn all had to hide in there, even though Zayn wasn’t here yet, but he was there and then Zayn said we had to survive and suggested eating the wax but that’s so gross, Zayn!” Zayn’s really confused at this point, so he looks to Liam for guidance- but Liam’s eyes are clenched shut as he mumbles numbers under his breath.

“What’s going on, Liam?” Zayn questions, and Liam’s eyes snap open, a smile on his face.

“It’s been seventy nine days. If nothing happens, my parents will come and see me tomorrow.” Liam says, looking indescribably happy, and Zayn has to wonder what that’s like- that a visit from your parents is something to be excited about. He can’t even remember the last time he hugged his dad.

“That’s terrific Liam!” Niall says, and Liam nods. 

“Oh, absolutely! Just so long as you don’t tell them about how it was you who was smoking weed, and not Harry, so they’ll finally approve of me and Harry’s relationship!” Again, Zayn is confused, until a vague memory of an episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S comes to mind, on the tiny TV in the corner of his hospital room, the result of a fight he’d passed off to his parents as a skating accident.

“Well, we’d best get to therapy, hey?” Liam says, still smiling and they all nod. 

 

They’re in group therapy that afternoon, and it’s a partner sharing exercise. Zayn had immediately grabbed Niall, even though Liam had looked significantly in his direction, and dragged him off to a corner of the room where they wouldn’t be heard.

“Look, Zayn, it sure is a nice change not to be picked last for any sort of activity, but you’re being kind of weird. What’s going on?” Niall says, and Zayn looks furtively around, but luckily all the other groups are very absorbed in their conversations. 

“You know what you said, about how Liam’s parents haven’t ever been to visit him?” Zayn says, and Niall nods. 

“Yeah, and how stupid that is. Most parents would be lucky to have a son like Liam.” Niall says.

“Well, if it gets to tomorrow night, and they haven’t arrived, how do you think he’s going to feel?” Zayn asks, and Niall bites his lip.

“Not good, that’s for sure.” 

“So, I think we need to do something to stop it happening. Stop him from being clean, so he doesn’t get disappointed.” Zayn says, but Niall hesitates.

“Look, he told me he wants to get better.” Zayn says. “This kind of setback could do something terrible.”  
“Yeah, but- I mean, isn’t keeping the illusion alive also pretty bad? I mean, maybe they’re the root of the problem? Like, they were the ones forcing him to be clean, so he thinks to please them, that’s what he’s got to do?” Niall says, and Zayn’s got to admit, it’s a good point.

“Plus,” Niall adds, “Stopping him from being clean could also cause him to relapse, you do realise.”

“I get what you’re saying. I think you’re right about a lot of things. But I know the feeling of knowing my parents have given up on me, and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone else.” Suddenly, a large bell rings, and Madge announces “Time to swap the sharing, partners!” She wanders over towards Niall and Zayn, so Niall begins to talk about losing his pet goldfish, and she walks away approvingly. 

Dinner is… odd. Louis sings “Lasagne, lasagne, garfield likes lasagne” even though they’re having casserole and Liam hums along while smiling and eating. Niall won’t look at Zayn, whereas Harry has gone back to staring at him as though he’s a rare specimen of a once thought to be extinct species.


	16. Excuses and Explanation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you know about dreams; tell me what you know about night terrors-
> 
> Nothing.

Zayn is so unsettled that he gets up midway through the meal, returning his plate and hurries back up to his room, where he paces back and forth, all of a sudden caught up in a whirlpool of emotions.

It isn’t until he sits down that he notices Louis has been sitting on Niall’s bed the whole time.

Zayn leaps back, startled out of his skin, and Louis cracks up. 

“What are you doing, training for a marathon?” Louis asks, and Zayn cracks a smile. 

“Something like that. How’s it going, Louis?” Zayn says, and Louis nods.

“Pretty good. I mean, pretty confused, but pretty good.” Zayn quirks an eyebrow.

“Pretty confused?” He says, and Louis nods.

“Yeah- well, I mean, it’s like, half my life is spent in a dream, and half my life is spent awake, you know? So when I come back from one of my- I think Dr. Louis, not me but the one who’s a doctor, he calls them “spells”? When I come back, time has passed, but I’m not sure what happened in that time? So Dr. Louis said that my brain purposely blocks stuff out, and inserts other things, giving me a completely distorted reality.”

“So that explains-” Zayn says, but pauses when Louis gives him a curious look. “Nothing- doesn’t matter.” It explains a lot- that night when Harry had shouted at him, Louis must’ve been in and out of this dream-like state, confused as to which Harry he was making up.

Louis’ still looking at him curiously, so Zayn fakes a yawn, lowering his eyelids slightly. 

“I’m kind of tired from the day- I might just head to bed early.” Zayn says, and Louis gets the hint, wishing Zayn a goodnight, and hurrying out, for once, not singing through the echoey halls.

Niall comes back to the room approximately an hour and a half later- which is good, because it gives Zayn time to plan. He’s turned to the wall, eyes shut and breathing slowly, so Niall doesn’t even say goodnight, just hops into his own bed with a rustle, and soon enough, his breathing evens out too.

Zayn waits, five, ten, fifteen minutes, making sure Niall really is asleep- then he waits another forty five minutes, until centre too comes to rest. When he’s sure there’s almost no one awake, he slips out of bed, opening to door quietly and sneaking out into the hallway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is this a filler? kind of. It was attached to the next chapter, but i think it creates a nice little pause- and yes, the chapter summary is slightly butchered Kid Cudi lyrics.


	17. The Recipe for Intentional Disaster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Save yourself; don't wear a frown
> 
> On this sinking ship I'll drown
> 
> The king wears his cape and crown
> 
> And can do naught to save the town

The room is easier to find this time- and before he knows it, he’s easing open the door handle, the smell of old paper and dust greeting him. 

He slides open the red drawer as gently as possible, but before he’s got it all the way open, one of the hinges creaks loudly. He stops, still, but it appears no one has heard him, so he slides it completely open, surveying the folders inside.

His own folder is thicker than last time, which can’t mean anything good, but that’s not the one he’s looking for- he skims until he finds the folder right at the back, labelled Guest Liam Payne.  
The paper right at the front dates back to about two months before- there’s only about 20 sheets in there, each a full page of writing with different dates on the front. The bay windows let in enough moonlight to read by, although it’s hard work- he can barely make out Savan’s pages of scribbles. Each page is written in the same, stilted format as Harry’s, and all detail various “dangerous events” as they are labelled- he finds about three pages stapled together that detail the incident between Liam and his roommate. 

The first entry, which he thought would give him the most clues about Liam’s parents is uneventful- it states that Liam settled in remarkably well, making friends and being very polite to all members of staff. However, two entries later, things seem to have taken a turn for the worst.

“Guest Payne has spoken at length to therapist and other members of staff, telling them that his parents will visit soon. Mr and Mrs Payne made clear to staff that they would not return, however when told this, Guest Payne becomes aggravated towards his peers and staff. Guest Payne recently stated that his parents would visit in 80 days if he was ‘clean and tidy’. The 80th day of his stay took place of the 12th of this month. Guest Payne refused to eat throughout the day, and was found later that night in the red bathroom, scrubbing at his skin. Various patches were raw and bleeding. Guest was placed in rest for a week, where he again began his countdown.”

Zayn feels sick to his stomach, and cautiously flips the page, where another, fresher page is stapled to the back. It’s dated only about three months back, and begins:

“UPDATE: Guest Payne continues his countdown, though he has not reached the 80th day as of yet. Guest behaves in a rationale manner, apart from this discrepancy”

Surely Niall couldn’t know about all of this, if he thought it was a good idea to leave Liam to finish his countdown. Louis had been with Liam the longest, and he himself had said that he felt he was only half conscious, so he wouldn’t know enough to tell Niall about the extent of Liam’s problems. It was sweet of Niall to believe that Liam could do it, but it was obvious that Liam was nowhere near ready to face the reality of his parents refusing to care about him. 

Zayn places the pages back into the drawer carefully, and tiptoes back to his room- only pausing once to duck behind a large vase when one of the night staff walked past on duty. 

When Zayn wakes up the next day, it’s not to his alarm, or Niall, but Liam gently shaking Zayn awake. 

“Zayn? Are you awake?” Liam says, and Zayn opens his eyes slowly, taking in the situation. Liam is perched on the edge of his bed, and it seems like it’s taking him great effort not to simply just jump up and down happily.

“Sorry to wake you Zayn, but I just couldn’t wait- I had to tell someone. My parents are coming today!” Zayn’s mind flicks back to the pages he read the night before- and he thinks over Liam’s description of his fight with his roommate, how much is traumatised him- and Zayn’s mind is made up. 

“That’s great, Liam.” Zayn says, smiling a little- he doesn’t want to give away his plan just yet.

Niall wakes up at this point, and they collect Louis and Harry from where they’re playing “how many pillows can Harry balance on his head?” (It’s seven, although Zayn’s not sure where they found the extra ones) and they head down to breakfast.

Niall meets Zayn’s eyes over breakfast as Liam talks animatedly about his parents, and in a low voice he says “Please, Zayn. Just let it happen. It’s what he needs.”

“What who needs?” Louis asks, and Niall just shakes his head. “Nothing, Lou.”

“Oh for god’s sake, Niall. You and your bloody secrets. Harry, I feel left out, tell me a secret.” Louis says, poking Harry until he does one solitary slow blink.

“Ah yes, Harry. And what a secret that was!” Louis says excitedly, and Zayn just shakes his head fondly. No matter what Niall says, Zayn will find a way to save Liam. 

Zayn plots all through therapy, giving short, noncommittal answers when Savan calls on him. He knows that he’ll have more pages in his folder to show for it, but he knows he’s doing a good thing, that all of this will be worth it if he can save Liam from the realisation that he’s parents have truly given up on him. 

Lunch is stir fry, so he can get away with not talking too much by pretending he’s foraging for bits of noodles and chicken in his bowl. Just as he finds a particularly tasty looking piece of chicken, he thinks of the key ingredient in his plan- now the only thing to do is to wait to enact it.


	18. So What I'm A Little Dirty? (I Know You'll Clean Me Up)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zayn is toeing a very dangerous line

They haven’t got group therapy that afternoon, so they head over to the games cupboard and pull out Monopoly. Zayn can feel Niall’s eyes on his back, so as Louis begins to set up the board, he says “You start without me, guys, I’m feeling artistic. I’m going to paint something.” He goes to the arts and crafts cupboard, pulling out some paper and some brushes. His plan is simple- he couldn’t put Liam through the torture of something like mud again, but paint- that should be dirty enough to stop Liam’s countdown, without sending him spiralling. 

He sets up the paper and brushes, to make this seem completely like an accident- he doesn’t need Dr. Louis thinking he’s intentionally making a guest relapse. He then goes back to the cupboard, grabbing the largest bottles of acrylic paint he can find. As he stands up from bending down at the cupboard, he catches sight of the clock- it’s almost 2. Zayn has a vague memory of Niall saying visiting hours started at 2 o’clock- which means at any moment, Liam could break down. Zayn tries to hurry back to where he’s set up his painting station, to enact the final stage of the plan, dumping the paint over Liam, but as he goes, Matt, another of the residents bumps into him from the side. Before Zayn can right himself, he’s flying forwards, still holding the paint to his chest. He lands with a large smack, the bottles bursting with the impact. He’s covered from head to toe in paint, and before he can move to stand up, apologise to the guests who are all staring at him wide eyed, Liam is pulling him up, dragging him out of the room. They don’t stop stop until they reach the red bathroom, where Liam leads Zayn to the sinks, and motions for him to sit up on the bench. 

Liam doesn’t say anything directly to Zayn, pulling at the hem of his t-shirt until Zayn takes it off. Liam then grabs a washcloth off the sink, and begins to painstakingly scrub every inch of paint-covered Zayn he can reach. Zayn doesn’t know how long they’re in there for, although it could be hours- Liam is muttering under his breath the whole time, Zayn catching words like “clean” and “pure” every so often, but he doesn’t press it. Dr. Louis and Dr. Blake come in after a while, but they make no move to stop Liam, instead just watching him. Zayn sits patiently throughout- though he covered the wrong person in paint, at least Liam hasn’t said anything about his parents.

Finally, as Liam rubs the last spot of paint from under Zayn’s chin, he seems to come out of his trance, and looks around, seeming to take in his surroundings.

“Oh- Dr. Louis, Dr. Blake, I was just cleaning-” Liam begins to say, but Dr. Louis motions for him to stop.

“No need to explain, Liam. You’ve done some good work, taking care of our friend Zayn here. You’d better get down to dinner, boys, before they stop serving.” Dr. Louis says, and Zayn pushes off the bench, following Liam out silently. 

He’d half expected to get yelled at, for making such a mess, for disrupting Liam, for something- but Dr. Louis seems totally calm, bidding the boys a good night as he makes his way back to the staff quarters. 

“Liam, are you- how are you?” Zayn settles on, and Liam smiles a little.

“Um- I’m good, actually. At first I thought i’d freak out, seeing you all covered in paint, so unclean but then- something about cleaning you up helped, I think. It was like- there was a black and white for once, there is Zayn covered in paint and Zayn not covered in paint, and all I had to do was turn one into the other, and I know how to do that, so- I felt like I was working towards something really achievable. I feel really quite good.” Liam says, and Zayn smiles.

The other boys become abruptly silent as they reach the table, three pairs of eyes trained on them. It stays like that for several minutes, each boy slowly going back to their food, and Zayn thinks they’ll stay like that, at least for the rest of the meal, but then Louis says “Can we talk about it?” and suddenly the air gets ten times thinner, because what sort of explanation can Zayn give? What does Liam want to tell the boys? 

“Has anyone ever noticed how many mushrooms they put in our food? Like, these are tacos, and yet there’s mushrooms in the mince. Did the kitchen staff win some sort of contest where the prize was a lifetime supply of mushrooms or something? How does that even play out, anyway? How do lifetime supply prizes happen, anyway? Is it rationed, or do they just give you as much as you want?” Liam says, all in one big long stream, which he thinks is Liam’s way of saying “No, I don’t want to talk about it.” So all Zayn can do is play along, saying “Yeah, like mushrooms in everything, right? I swear there was a mushroom in my bircher muesli the other day. What’s with that?” And the three boys get the message, bemoaning their mushroom filled meals.


End file.
